From Coffee to Kissing in the Street

So, I went to Hannibal today. To Java Jive to be exact. To hang out with Will. When I left this morning, I had the feeling that today's meeting would be the make or break kind. The kind that decides the direction of a relationship. Will it be romantic, friendly, professional, or abrasive? I think I was right. Since I came back to town after two hours of fantastic conversation, and an amazing kiss in the middle of the street. Only to be discussing a couple of hours later that we would both like to be seeing a lot of each other regularly. Exclusively. So I went from single, and not-quite-loving it. To in a relationship, all in the span of a few hours. Sealed the deal with a kiss. One of those, where you leave without touching and he stops you in the street ones. The kind that happen in movies. Yeah, one of those. Guess who's smiling? :)

I don't know

So, I have a concussion. A moderate one. It's thrown off my sense of balance. So now, I am just as off-balance physically as I am mentally and emotionally. Hooray for the Irony of it all.

It's funny how I keep discovering things about myself. Like choosing a career path. A grown up one. I never thought that would happen. Ever. But sometimes apathy is the greatest motivator. I am today, just that. Apathetic. Thoughtful. Motivated. Well, not-quite. I don't even know.

I find myself face to face with my thoughts, my thoughts that no matter what I do to distract myself, who I find to distract me, keep circling around him. Even when he says things that hurt me, it's funny because it's not an abusive kind of hurt, it's more like acceptance. There are no secrets there, no qualms about what we want, just the facts of the situation. I know I need to let go. I keep trying. But he's always there in the back of my mind, well, more like the middle of mind, dead center, to be exact. I know there is no point in running it over and over in my head, about going through things and thinking about how different it could be. I need to let go. I have to let go. I have to trust that if it's right, it will happen in it's own time. I'm just so afraid that if I bow out, it will be the final curtain call. And I will lose.

And then there is always the possibility that loosing will help me win. I wish I understood this empty space I have. This constant ache. It's so foreign to me. So strange to need someone. I've always been content in myself. But not lately, no lately I find myself falling into a hole that has formed inside myself. I wonder then if that hole is because I've gone so far from God. But I'm a skeptic see. Even though I've witnessed miracles, been around for life-changing moments. I've felt the peace of God, but I still can't quite reconcile the idea that this physical ache I have can be fulfilled by spiritual stability. I really need to talk to someone about this. But I don't know who to try to communicate it to. Or at all. I don't know.

People seem to miss me. I suppose I have been gone in a way for awhile. More like around. I've been avoiding people. I do that when I get like this. It's nothing personal. It's just part of my make-up I suppose.

Election Day

That would be today. So go vote. Not because I said to, or because it's the "cool" thing to do. Vote because its your future. Because it matters, and every vote counts, gets counted, and one vote could make all the difference in which way your state goes. It may not seem like it, but it's true.

I usually opt to leave Politics out of my blogs/myspace/facebook. But today is the day I made my voice heard. I voted McCain/Palin. I believe that they have the right plan to stabilize this country long term, even though it will mean a hellish first few years. The fruits of what they have laid out could save this country from the economic crisis we face, without turning us into socialists. But make up your own mind, and then vote. VOTE.VOTE.VOTE.

Another day, another heart Sways, and this time....it's mine.

In the randomness that occurs in my head I play with words left unsaid. And I wonder lost in thought, about the
Crushing weight of numerous questions that won't leave me alone!!! But, it's cool, I'm good. It's crazy how the distance half-way clears my head. But I still can't quite forget all the things he said to me on that fateful night. And now spins the promise, that it will all turn out alright. As long as you catch me at some point, because this is a very long fall. And I am in for the long stretch, the deep pass, and don't you forget it. I'm not going anywhere, not anywhere at all. Even if it means losing everything. I will prove to you that I am in. I think you're worth it you see. To bad you don't see yourself clearly. You will one day. And for that, I can't wait.

Let's talk about Twilight and Edward Cullen

There's nothing quite like a literary man with a strong sense of protection and and an undying love. Mr. Darcy for instance, wow, what I wouldn't give for a man like that. Recently, I have been ambushed, from every angle, with the mention of "Twilight" and "Edward Cullen". The books were never a point of interest to me, until the comparisons of literature caught my attention. The Twilight Saga is being compared to Harry Potter, and Edward Cullen to Mr. Darcy. These are heady comparisons, and being well-versed in literature myself, I decided to read the books.

I will start with the books themselves. They get progressively better as you go, which is a good thing. The characters are well-written and engaging, while the plot leaves a little something to be desired. In my opinion they are not worthy to be classed with literature such J.K. Rowlings HP series. the caliber of writing, the attention to detail, the pure ability to saturate the mind, well, it's just not there. The writing is simplistic, making the books a good option for all readers of many ages, but truthfully, they will only truly ever appeal to women ( and possibly gay men) on a long term basis, since they are written from the perspective of a teenage girl in love. While Stepenie Meyer does an excellent job of communicating the emotions and the thought processes, the atmosphere and the action, and the detail, they leave a very small something to be desired. The only thing that Twilight has in common with Harry Potter is it's almost instant success, which is not enough on it's own to qualify it with the prestige it has been eluded to deserve.

Now, as for Edward Cullen himself. The eternally petulant, over-protective, perpetual 17 year old vampire of stunning good-looks and historical reference. Well, controlling is usually not considered healthy in a relationship, and while circumstances may dictate an amount of it here, I am not impressed. To compare Edward to Darcy is absurd. Mr. Darcy, who is a literary character of note, was proud, but never controlling, and he knew when to keep to himself. He was not suicidal, and did not run away from his love, but instead endeavored to obtain her. He did not push her to the ground, and leave her to wallow in pain. Nor did he constantly endanger her life. The fact that Edward is possessing of the skills to save Bella, does not give him the right to be considered romantic for saving her from things, she should never have been exposed to. Edward Cullen is in my opinion, irresponsible, controlling, and petulant. Not at all in Darcy's class.


These negative opinions are in no way a slight on Ms. Meyer's books. Quite the contrary, I found the saga enjoyable, and am in fact in the process of reading it again. I do feel that, it is teen literature, however, and that it has no place in the comparison class it has been found in.

Roll With It...

Wow, it's been awhile and sooooo much has happened to me in that time. And while it wasn't all fun, it was all for the good. I've now experienced the last piece of the puzzle to squelch my fears. My deep seated fears of falling in love. Now, I'm not in love, but I have finally been duped. Completely taken it, and I've felt that unrelenting pain. Well, it was unrelenting until I let it go. Realizing that I can let it go, with a bit of an overload, but still rather easily, is all I needed. I know that I can survive anything. Anything. And it's really opened my eyes to some things that I've known all along.

I committed to wait for someone a long time ago. My subconscious has always been waiting, and well, it's going to be worth it. I can feel it, in every minute fiber of my being, my soul, I can feel that it will be worth it. However it turns out, it will be what I need to experience. And I am ready to embrace that experience.

I've been hanging with a different group lately, one that I have grown to love beyond reason. Partly because there is a serious lack of the drama with them. I LOVE that. But mostly because I love them, they took me in and treat me like I've always been there. They support me, and it's not like we're close like family, like I am with m older friends (older refers to time not age) if I don't see them or talk to them it's not the end of the world, but it's like we all understand that we need each other, and we respect each other. It's very cool.

On the flip side of that, some other drama is happening with yet another contingent of people I call friends and acquaintances and well, we'll see how that turns out. I'm just not going to overstress it. I've made my preparations, and that's all I can do, if it goes bad, then I'll deal with it, if it doesn't, well then I didn't stres myself out needlessly. At least that's my view.

To quote my roomie, whom I love: "It is what it is".

And now I leave you with a song

"This is War"- Smile Empty Soul

I'm just a normal man
I wouldn't hurt nothing at all
But here we are

Our leaders have a plan
I'd only kill if it's for them
Now here we are

I drove in a car
And flew in a plane
To come to your house
And kick your door in

Now it's down to this
It's just you and me
I'll blow your f*ckin head off
For my country

I go to church and tithe
I go to work in my suit and tie
But this is war

I'm really not sure why
But the TV said that you were wrong
Now here we are

I drove in a car
And flew in a plane
To come to your house
And kick your door in

Now it's down to this
It's just you and me
I'll blow your f*ckin head off
For my country

My feet hurt from the sand
But I still I march on gun in hand
Cause this is war

This isn't what I planned
I wanted to be so much more
But this is war

I drove in a car
And flew in a plane
To come to your house
And kick your door in

Now it's down to this
It's just you and me
I'll blow your f*ckin head off
For my country

My country

The horribly awkward, not quite good, not a totall disaster day...

oh what a day. Was yesterday. Full of all sorts of fun. Drama from one end of the end to the other. Will wonders never cease? lol. I'll begin with an apology to certain people who might end up in trouble for reading this. Sorry, in advance.

Lately I've been feeling really pent up, and it's coming out. In ways that it shouldn't be. I've kind of developed a 'whatever' attitude. Because you see, I'm in pain. I'm sad. I'm angry. And I haven't been talking about it. I've been focusing on other people, and I'm about ready to pop. Just a small little push is all it would take. So reader beware, you have been warned. I think I will play in the rain some this weekend. It usually helps.

So, why was yesterday such a schmorgishboard of fun? Well I'll tell you, it all starts on Tuesday, when I was down at Heartland for a little karaoke fun. In walks his tallness (as he will be refer ed to, not to be confused with the singular him/he) which made my night. I proceeded to flirt with him as I always do, he finally started to flirt back, we made some headway. He wanted to know if I would be out on Thursday, he made it sound like a reason to show. So i did. Let's just say that it didn't go quite like I had hoped, and leave it at that. I will talk to him later, it will be fine.

Earlier on in the day, I received an unexpected visit for him. That was fine. It all turned out well enough, there was phone call later in the day to check on my well being due to a status change (to be covered in the next paragraph). And I didn't feel like talking. So he didn't push it, and instead placed an order. Oh yes, I was at work. Then there was a nice 2hr phone conversation in the wee hours of the morning. In which there was a lot of honesty, and a lot of walls. So be it.

While I was at work the drama began. There was an IM, convo with the bff, and a phone convo with the roomie, and well, it all seems to be working out, but my goodness, was it stressful. I hate being in the middle.

Yesterday was just plan awkward and abnormal, and it was not helped by consumption of the Crown Royal, although that was indeed quite tasty/