Ramblings of a Lyricist

A place for me to write, about my day, about my thoughts, the stories and songs and poems that come from my mind or that inspire me.

The People you meet...

So it's Saturday. And I'm at work. All day. Lame. Or maybe not...

About two hours ago this guy came in, quiet, in a USMC flight jacket. He bought a model. And asked about the good places to eat. While I was getting him restaurant information, we talked about the Corp. He's been retired since 1994. He flies with a private company now, and is one of the guys transporting Bill Engvall around this tour.

While we were chatting, one of my regular gamer groups came in, and all of us had a lively discussion about game. Turns out the Sgt. used to play in high school. The conversation lasted about an hour, and it was patched with humor, wit, and violence. All the things a good game needs. After the group left, the Sgt hung around for awhile, and we discussed politics and the state of the world for awhile. Then he asked for an address to the store, and my name. Turns out, he has a set of early edition D&D books in close to mint condition. He said he had been looking for awhile for someone to give them to, but he hadn't found anyone that would not only appreciate them, but use them well, and that he felt deserved the gift. But he decided after hanging out for two hours or so, that he would send them to me. Cool huh.

Another guy that comes in here all the time, told me yesterday that his son was coming in town for Christmas. He said he would like to see his boy meet a nice girl, and that he would bring him by. So I asked what his son did, turns out, he's in SlipKnot. Yeah. Who knew?

It's amazing the kind of people we are around everyday. You never know what they do, or who they are. And when you cross paths with someone, you may have just brushed by greatness. It makes me wonder who all I've missed out on.

From Coffee to Kissing in the Street

So, I went to Hannibal today. To Java Jive to be exact. To hang out with Will. When I left this morning, I had the feeling that today's meeting would be the make or break kind. The kind that decides the direction of a relationship. Will it be romantic, friendly, professional, or abrasive? I think I was right. Since I came back to town after two hours of fantastic conversation, and an amazing kiss in the middle of the street. Only to be discussing a couple of hours later that we would both like to be seeing a lot of each other regularly. Exclusively. So I went from single, and not-quite-loving it. To in a relationship, all in the span of a few hours. Sealed the deal with a kiss. One of those, where you leave without touching and he stops you in the street ones. The kind that happen in movies. Yeah, one of those. Guess who's smiling? :)

I don't know

So, I have a concussion. A moderate one. It's thrown off my sense of balance. So now, I am just as off-balance physically as I am mentally and emotionally. Hooray for the Irony of it all.

It's funny how I keep discovering things about myself. Like choosing a career path. A grown up one. I never thought that would happen. Ever. But sometimes apathy is the greatest motivator. I am today, just that. Apathetic. Thoughtful. Motivated. Well, not-quite. I don't even know.

I find myself face to face with my thoughts, my thoughts that no matter what I do to distract myself, who I find to distract me, keep circling around him. Even when he says things that hurt me, it's funny because it's not an abusive kind of hurt, it's more like acceptance. There are no secrets there, no qualms about what we want, just the facts of the situation. I know I need to let go. I keep trying. But he's always there in the back of my mind, well, more like the middle of mind, dead center, to be exact. I know there is no point in running it over and over in my head, about going through things and thinking about how different it could be. I need to let go. I have to let go. I have to trust that if it's right, it will happen in it's own time. I'm just so afraid that if I bow out, it will be the final curtain call. And I will lose.

And then there is always the possibility that loosing will help me win. I wish I understood this empty space I have. This constant ache. It's so foreign to me. So strange to need someone. I've always been content in myself. But not lately, no lately I find myself falling into a hole that has formed inside myself. I wonder then if that hole is because I've gone so far from God. But I'm a skeptic see. Even though I've witnessed miracles, been around for life-changing moments. I've felt the peace of God, but I still can't quite reconcile the idea that this physical ache I have can be fulfilled by spiritual stability. I really need to talk to someone about this. But I don't know who to try to communicate it to. Or at all. I don't know.

People seem to miss me. I suppose I have been gone in a way for awhile. More like around. I've been avoiding people. I do that when I get like this. It's nothing personal. It's just part of my make-up I suppose.

Election Day

That would be today. So go vote. Not because I said to, or because it's the "cool" thing to do. Vote because its your future. Because it matters, and every vote counts, gets counted, and one vote could make all the difference in which way your state goes. It may not seem like it, but it's true.

I usually opt to leave Politics out of my blogs/myspace/facebook. But today is the day I made my voice heard. I voted McCain/Palin. I believe that they have the right plan to stabilize this country long term, even though it will mean a hellish first few years. The fruits of what they have laid out could save this country from the economic crisis we face, without turning us into socialists. But make up your own mind, and then vote. VOTE.VOTE.VOTE.

Another day, another heart Sways, and this time....it's mine.

In the randomness that occurs in my head I play with words left unsaid. And I wonder lost in thought, about the
Crushing weight of numerous questions that won't leave me alone!!! But, it's cool, I'm good. It's crazy how the distance half-way clears my head. But I still can't quite forget all the things he said to me on that fateful night. And now spins the promise, that it will all turn out alright. As long as you catch me at some point, because this is a very long fall. And I am in for the long stretch, the deep pass, and don't you forget it. I'm not going anywhere, not anywhere at all. Even if it means losing everything. I will prove to you that I am in. I think you're worth it you see. To bad you don't see yourself clearly. You will one day. And for that, I can't wait.

Let's talk about Twilight and Edward Cullen

There's nothing quite like a literary man with a strong sense of protection and and an undying love. Mr. Darcy for instance, wow, what I wouldn't give for a man like that. Recently, I have been ambushed, from every angle, with the mention of "Twilight" and "Edward Cullen". The books were never a point of interest to me, until the comparisons of literature caught my attention. The Twilight Saga is being compared to Harry Potter, and Edward Cullen to Mr. Darcy. These are heady comparisons, and being well-versed in literature myself, I decided to read the books.

I will start with the books themselves. They get progressively better as you go, which is a good thing. The characters are well-written and engaging, while the plot leaves a little something to be desired. In my opinion they are not worthy to be classed with literature such J.K. Rowlings HP series. the caliber of writing, the attention to detail, the pure ability to saturate the mind, well, it's just not there. The writing is simplistic, making the books a good option for all readers of many ages, but truthfully, they will only truly ever appeal to women ( and possibly gay men) on a long term basis, since they are written from the perspective of a teenage girl in love. While Stepenie Meyer does an excellent job of communicating the emotions and the thought processes, the atmosphere and the action, and the detail, they leave a very small something to be desired. The only thing that Twilight has in common with Harry Potter is it's almost instant success, which is not enough on it's own to qualify it with the prestige it has been eluded to deserve.

Now, as for Edward Cullen himself. The eternally petulant, over-protective, perpetual 17 year old vampire of stunning good-looks and historical reference. Well, controlling is usually not considered healthy in a relationship, and while circumstances may dictate an amount of it here, I am not impressed. To compare Edward to Darcy is absurd. Mr. Darcy, who is a literary character of note, was proud, but never controlling, and he knew when to keep to himself. He was not suicidal, and did not run away from his love, but instead endeavored to obtain her. He did not push her to the ground, and leave her to wallow in pain. Nor did he constantly endanger her life. The fact that Edward is possessing of the skills to save Bella, does not give him the right to be considered romantic for saving her from things, she should never have been exposed to. Edward Cullen is in my opinion, irresponsible, controlling, and petulant. Not at all in Darcy's class.


These negative opinions are in no way a slight on Ms. Meyer's books. Quite the contrary, I found the saga enjoyable, and am in fact in the process of reading it again. I do feel that, it is teen literature, however, and that it has no place in the comparison class it has been found in.

Roll With It...

Wow, it's been awhile and sooooo much has happened to me in that time. And while it wasn't all fun, it was all for the good. I've now experienced the last piece of the puzzle to squelch my fears. My deep seated fears of falling in love. Now, I'm not in love, but I have finally been duped. Completely taken it, and I've felt that unrelenting pain. Well, it was unrelenting until I let it go. Realizing that I can let it go, with a bit of an overload, but still rather easily, is all I needed. I know that I can survive anything. Anything. And it's really opened my eyes to some things that I've known all along.

I committed to wait for someone a long time ago. My subconscious has always been waiting, and well, it's going to be worth it. I can feel it, in every minute fiber of my being, my soul, I can feel that it will be worth it. However it turns out, it will be what I need to experience. And I am ready to embrace that experience.

I've been hanging with a different group lately, one that I have grown to love beyond reason. Partly because there is a serious lack of the drama with them. I LOVE that. But mostly because I love them, they took me in and treat me like I've always been there. They support me, and it's not like we're close like family, like I am with m older friends (older refers to time not age) if I don't see them or talk to them it's not the end of the world, but it's like we all understand that we need each other, and we respect each other. It's very cool.

On the flip side of that, some other drama is happening with yet another contingent of people I call friends and acquaintances and well, we'll see how that turns out. I'm just not going to overstress it. I've made my preparations, and that's all I can do, if it goes bad, then I'll deal with it, if it doesn't, well then I didn't stres myself out needlessly. At least that's my view.

To quote my roomie, whom I love: "It is what it is".

And now I leave you with a song

"This is War"- Smile Empty Soul


I'm just a normal man
I wouldn't hurt nothing at all
But here we are

Our leaders have a plan
I'd only kill if it's for them
Now here we are

I drove in a car
And flew in a plane
To come to your house
And kick your door in

Now it's down to this
It's just you and me
I'll blow your f*ckin head off
For my country

I go to church and tithe
I go to work in my suit and tie
But this is war

I'm really not sure why
But the TV said that you were wrong
Now here we are

I drove in a car
And flew in a plane
To come to your house
And kick your door in

Now it's down to this
It's just you and me
I'll blow your f*ckin head off
For my country

My feet hurt from the sand
But I still I march on gun in hand
Cause this is war

This isn't what I planned
I wanted to be so much more
But this is war

I drove in a car
And flew in a plane
To come to your house
And kick your door in

Now it's down to this
It's just you and me
I'll blow your f*ckin head off
For my country

My country

The horribly awkward, not quite good, not a totall disaster day...

oh what a day. Was yesterday. Full of all sorts of fun. Drama from one end of the end to the other. Will wonders never cease? lol. I'll begin with an apology to certain people who might end up in trouble for reading this. Sorry, in advance.

Lately I've been feeling really pent up, and it's coming out. In ways that it shouldn't be. I've kind of developed a 'whatever' attitude. Because you see, I'm in pain. I'm sad. I'm angry. And I haven't been talking about it. I've been focusing on other people, and I'm about ready to pop. Just a small little push is all it would take. So reader beware, you have been warned. I think I will play in the rain some this weekend. It usually helps.

So, why was yesterday such a schmorgishboard of fun? Well I'll tell you, it all starts on Tuesday, when I was down at Heartland for a little karaoke fun. In walks his tallness (as he will be refer ed to, not to be confused with the singular him/he) which made my night. I proceeded to flirt with him as I always do, he finally started to flirt back, we made some headway. He wanted to know if I would be out on Thursday, he made it sound like a reason to show. So i did. Let's just say that it didn't go quite like I had hoped, and leave it at that. I will talk to him later, it will be fine.

Earlier on in the day, I received an unexpected visit for him. That was fine. It all turned out well enough, there was phone call later in the day to check on my well being due to a status change (to be covered in the next paragraph). And I didn't feel like talking. So he didn't push it, and instead placed an order. Oh yes, I was at work. Then there was a nice 2hr phone conversation in the wee hours of the morning. In which there was a lot of honesty, and a lot of walls. So be it.

While I was at work the drama began. There was an IM, convo with the bff, and a phone convo with the roomie, and well, it all seems to be working out, but my goodness, was it stressful. I hate being in the middle.

Yesterday was just plan awkward and abnormal, and it was not helped by consumption of the Crown Royal, although that was indeed quite tasty/

On Gas, Cell Phones, and a sickness with no cure...

So, let's just start with this week=crap. Total crap. I know it's only Wednesday, but hey, let's face it. This week sucks, and I don't look for it to get any better. Actually I think it will simply get worse. I suppose that's the pill I chose to swallow. I didn't realize it would be this hard. After all, I knew what to expect, well, sort of, and only in one aspect. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Back to the beginning of things: Last Friday...

I got a message from him. I replied. He read it, and didn't reply. There was nothing abnormal about these messages. Nothing that is, except that he didn't respond...for three days. Three days. Not really that long in normal circumstances. But when you go from talking for three hours(at least) every day to nothing. Well, it's worrying. And worry was exactly what I did.

Monday. I get a message from him. I read it, and I realize every lie I've ever told myself, I hear them replaying in my mind. I hear me saying half truths. I hear me convince myself of them. I read it again. I am flooded by emotions, fear, anger, sadness, betrayal. Most of these are completely irrational. I respond. Short, quick, cold. And my whole world shatters in on itself, and I don't know how this happened. I should've kept a better watch on myself, and maybe, just maybe ( I will never know for sure) I could've kept this from happening. It didn't have to be this way. I numb the pain, block it from my mind, my heart. I ignore it. I won't let it get to me. Just one more lie I told myself. I go to a friends house, heavily armed with Crown and Bailees and there I assault myself with intoxicating liquids, just enough to allow me to feel it. To be in it. To shot about it. To react to it. To die. Getting drunk on a Monday. Not a good sign. I send him another message.

Tuesday. I get a message from him. He allays my fears. And stirs up my confusion. I reply. It's payday. I cash my check. I go to my second job. I head to a friends house. I run out of gas. The truck lurches. The car behind me is a cop. I have a tail light out. Nothing like adding insult to injury. He runs my info. I have an unpaid parking ticket. Which is now a warrant. Great. Pay it or go to jail. There goes my paycheck. I go downtown. I pay my fine. I go to my friends out. I need a gas can. I need a drink. I need to cry. I get the first thing I need. The other two will have to wait. We have a long talk. I know where I am, I know where I am headed, it doesn't take the feelings out of it. It doesn't dull the pain, it makes it worse. I get the help I need with the truck. I go home.

Wednesday. (today). I don't get a message from him. I have something for him, it's his birthday. I go to a job interview. I force the smile, the laid back professionalism. I make witty remarks, and show my intelligence. I flash that smile, and bat those lashes. I leave an excellent impression. He will give me the highest recommendation, with a push for management. I should be thrilled. But my heart is sick. I feel like the life force is draining into my lungs, crushing the air out them, stealing my breath. My heartbeat is slow and painfully loud, laboured. My eyes are dry, they have nothing to cry, they cry silently. I feel like my soul is dying. I go to see about my phone. It's not going to be easy or inexpensive. I can't do anything about that. I have to get it back. I feel like fighting, but my soul is in slow response. I wouldn't win anyway. I go to work. That's where I am. This place is like a torture chamber today.

Survey about me

Name:Clara
Birthdate:19850219
Birthplace:Mississippi
Current Location:Illinois
Eye Color:Brown/Gold Hazel
Hair Color:Borwnish Blondish Reddish
Height:5'6"
Weight:155
Piercings:
Tatoos:one on my back, on on my neck
Boyfriend/Girlfriend:not at the moment
Overused Phraze:True That
FAVORITES
Food:Chicken Parmesean
Candy:Chocolate
Number:27
Color:Red
Animal:Lynx
Drink:Sweet Tea
Alcohol Drink:Baileys on the Rocks
Bagel:&..39;>
Letter:Q
Body Part on Opposite sex:Shoulders
This or That
Pepsi or Coke:Coke
McDonalds or BurgerKing:BurgerKing
Strawberry or Watermelon:Watermelon
Hot tea or Ice tea:Ice
Chocolate or VanillaChocolate
Hot Chocolate or Coffee:Hot Chocolate
Kiss or Hug:Both
Dog or Cat:Cat
Rap or Punk:neither
Summer or Winter:Summer
Scary Movies or Funny Movies:Scary
Love or Money:Love
YOUR...
Bedtime:whenever I crash
Most Missed Memory:times with my dad
Best phyiscal feature:eyes?
First Thought Waking Up:what time is it?
Goal for this year:New job
Best Friends:Melissa, Brandon, Nate, Christian, Madelyn, Chaz
Weakness:good looking men on motorcycles
Fears:being afraid
Heritage:English, Itallian, Scottish
Longest relationship:off and on for two years
HAVE YOU...
Ever Drank:Yep
Ever Smoked:Yep
Pot:Yep
Ever been Drunk:Yep
Ever been beaten up:No
Ever beaten someone up:Yep
Ever Shoplifted:Yep
Ever Skinny Dipped:Yep
Ever Kissed Opposite sex:Yep
Been Dumped Lately:No
IN A GUY/GIRL
Favorite Eye Color:I like green eyes
Favorite Hair Color:dark brown
Short or Long:depends on the guy
Height:6'0" or taller please
Style:casual and cooridanted
Looks or Personality:Both
Hot or Cute
Drugs and Alcohol:no huge depencies
Muscular or Really Skinny:I like 'em Lithe
RANDOMS
Number of Regrets in the Past:0
What country do you want to Visit:Greece
How do you want to Die:happy
Been to the Mall Lately:yeah
Do you like Thunderstorms:love 'em
Get along with your Parents:sure do
Health Freak:eh
Do you think your Attractive:most days
Believe in Yourself:always
Want to go to College:been there, graduated
Do you Smoke:no
Do you Drink:yes
Shower Daily:yeah
Been in Love:not yet
Do you Sing:All the time
Want to get Married:yes
Do you want Children:yes
Have your future kids names planned out:two of them
Age you wanna lose your Virginity:lost it at 18
Hate anyone:

CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

when rest becomes a torture chamber how do you recover

It has been a while since I have updated. So here goes. I am having dreams. Some of them are terribly horrible nightmares, some should be pleasant but the real world makes them cut like diamond edged knife. So, I'm not sleeping well. I stay awake till can't stand to awake anymore and I jerk myself out of my dream sleep at least three times a night, and one of those times if not all I'm usually in tears. So if I am or have been cranky, I apologize.

I get myself into the most foolish situations sometimes. I am not a fool, but I still make stupid choices. I hope that soon, I will have a handle on everything going on. I don't feel like going into details. Sorry.

On the flip side. I am now the proud occupant of a CLEAN apartment (if you don't count my bedroom which is the last room on the priority list for cleaning). I have a fantastic new roomie. Some fabulous friends, both old and new, and a lot of promising things coming up in my future. I think. I hope. I believe. It's hard to stay positive these days. I miss my brother. I like being on my own again, but I miss his company. I miss that security that he brought with him, I was never afraid while he was around. I'm sure he will be much happier where he is though, and that is more important.

It would seem that I am in less than good spirits by this post. Which is true to a point, but not really. I am actually really enjoying my life. It's just a hard place right now. Looking forward to getting my next tat. So excited about that.

Not really much else to say I guess, other than to Kayleigh, we need to go take pictures together again soon. k.

A love-hate Relationship...



...with, you guessed it: Myself. Now don't get the wrong idea here, I love myself, who I am, the future I see before me. I have that deep tingle that says my dreams will come true, the one that kind of hums along in the back of your brain as you toil over ridiculously boring tasks day in and day out that makes it all worth it.I love that. I love finally feeling settled. I have moved and moved, and never really been on my own two feet, I've been lost and constantly falling down, and in class, and in a state of apathetic living that, well, to be honest, was somewhat less than flattering (kind of like the 30 pounds I put on in the past 3 years...oh yeah, I said 30). But, somehow, through losing myself in a relationship that I can never really have, I've been able to actually ground the rest of myself.

And when I say ground, I mean really take action, really allow myself the comfort of being happy, even though I'm really sad. Doesn't make sense, I know, but such as it is, well, it is. So. I am looking for a new job, I am going to Hannibal tomorrow to apply at General Mills and Swiss Colonies. Both jobs have good rates of pay and good rates of raises. I have a separate part time job all ready, plus the shop. However, if my dreams that tingle so vividly are really going to come true, then I need a new main job, one that pays above minimum wage, and is full time. days. no night shift for me. I have standards for my next job, something I've never had before. Through this complicated new friendship I've been able to see myself through the complimentary eyes of another, someone who genuinely thinks I am awesome, who hasn't been around me my entire life, someone that doesn't owe me a thing, and well, somehow he gets me. He gets me like no one else does, even when I make no sense he knows what I am saying. And something about that, allows me to believe it when he says I am amazing. And I have needed that, that ability to believe. I lost it somewhere along my bumpy and winding road. He's given it back to me, and as much as I would like to say that he is my new whatever, he isn't. He will probably never be, but he is fast becoming one of my best friends, and right now, he is one of the most important people in my life.

I also love where my art is going. I've been writing songs for awhile, i am going to record the acapella versions of them. I don't have accompaniment. I don't need it. My music is great without it. period. I was recently commissioned to do an art piece, which I finished two days ago, and delivered today. Now, it was friend who commissioned it, but still, it was a great feeling to see her face and know that I got it right, to know that she loved it, to know that I can do my art and live on it. It is also amazing to finally be able to make my own art, with no one else's work staring at me while I copy it down. I can take what's in my head, and put it on canvas or paper, and it's all me. I love, love, love it.

So, you ask me, where's the hate part? The hate part comes in full circle to the he mentioned above. I hate the situation we are in right now, but as I find that I can talk to him openly about it, I am watching my feelings slowly ebb away to the places where they are allowed to be, and that is not him. And I am OK with it, I think I will be more OK than I thought I would. And even if I'm not, I have a great support system in place to keep me up when all I want to do, is collapse. So thanks for that. I also hate that dirty 30 I mentioned in the first paragraph, it may have taken me three years to accumulate that extra, but you better believe it won't take me that long to banish it!!!!

I also have a love/hate thing going on with my job, I hate going to work, but once I get there, it's not so bad. I love my boss, but I hate the monotony of doing the same nothing day after day. I want a job that has me up and on the go, one that will allow me keep up a good metabolism rate, even while I'm work. hmmmm. So I will keep everyone updated on how that goes. I guess that's it.

It's strange to think that just last night, I was morose and angry with myself, embarrassed by my own true feelings, and then simply by honestly talking them out with someone, I feel like I am soooo close to overcoming that barrier, to stepping onto the next block and moving on with my life. And I love it. Even if it means I don't get I want (and I hate that).

No Matter how much I might want to

it's a sign of maturity when you deny yourself for the greater good of another. If you read that and rolled your eyes at my mistake, give me the delusion. I need it. Sometimes making a fool of yourself is what is needed to make that better option happen. Sometimes you have to see the truth to be able to lie yourself through it.

My Personality

Personality Profile


My Personality

Neuroticism

36

Extraversion

83
Openness To Experience

71
Agreeableness

0
Conscientiousness

61


You do not feel nervous in social situations, and have a good impression of what others think of you, however you don't usually get angry too easily but some things can annoy you. You tend not to talk much and prefer to let others control the activities of groups. You prefer the security and stability brought by conformity to tradition. You will help others if they are in need. If people ask for too much of your time you feel that they are imposing on you, however you believe that a certain amount of deception in social relationships is necessary. You are guarded in new relationships and less willing to openly reveal the whole truth about yourself. You believe that you have the intelligence, common sense, drive, and self-control necessary for achieving success.

The Antics of Fear

So, the other night I was totally immersed in this book Time of the Twins from the Dragonlance chronicles, and I'm in the middle of the very descriptive paragraph about how this guys skin is crawling...and I feel something crawling on my arm. It's a spider, a big looking one. According I freak out, throw the book across the room, and proceed the smack myself in the arm for about thirty seconds until I am sure the damn thing is gone. Now, under normal circumstances a daddy long legs wouldn't bother me in the least. But perhaps those of you who are readers will understand this outburst.
And then last night, I was trying to hang with a friend of mine who I know is having a pretty rough time right now, and that I haven't seen in awhile. So I call, and call, and call. Finally I decide that her cell phone must be off and that I have been dialing the wrong home phone number. So I just head over to her moms house, where she is staying temporarily, and her cars not there. So I go check at her apartment, no car there either, so I check at her work, no car, and then in desperation I go to her husbands work, and he tells me she is at her moms, and that he has the car. This makes sense. So I go back to her moms house, walk up the drive-way, and there she is sitting at the table, I can see her through the window. I knock, no answer. I look through the window, she's not there. I knock again, a little louder. No answer. I wait, maybe she is just being slow. Not the case. I knock again, no answer. So I leave her a note tapped to the door and leave. And now I am wondering WTF? did I do something to make her angry with me? Is everything ok? Why is she ignoring me? She wasn't, the situation has been resolved.

However, these two occurrences leave me wondering a little bit about fear, about being afraid. Twice I was afraid in a way, not a debilitating fear, but still fear. Since I am not really afraid of much, it struck me as odd. And now, it leaves me thinking. Which is never a good thing. I don't really have a point to this, btw, I'm just rambling.

blog blog blog

hmmmm...lets see. Have you ever met someone that had an instant impact on your thoughts? Be it because you think they are cute, or they said something profound, or did something remarkable, or whatever.? No matter what it was, even if you only really saw them or spoke with them for a few minutes you just knew you would never forget that person? It's quite the interesting sensation. And no, I will not say more about the person who inspired that. Don't ask. (unless you are one of those few people who I will talk to about it, and you should know who you are).

Last weekend was amazing. period. hands-down. amazing. JaX HaT Ulitmate tournament, 5 games of Ultimate, six teams, one rockin campground party, and around 100 flat out awesome people all there to have a good time, play some disk, drink a little, meet new people, and catch up with good friends. Freakin sweet. Can't wait for SoIll, that's Southern Illinois in Carbondale, Tournament in September. Of course there is the normal I'm sore, and a few minor injuries (twisted ankles, a couple of bruises, some mystery cuts, oozing blister on my heel) but if I came home in perfect condition I wouldn't have had any fun!! lol. so, all in all, a great time.

And just to prove it:




















this is what's happening...just so you know :)

Let's see, it's been awhile, and since I blogged last I've gotten a new hair cut, found out one of my friends is suffering from Bell's Palsy, started dating a guy that I dated once before, and then we mutually broke up. What else?

Saw the DARK KNIGHT! OMG, it's amazing!!!!!! I will be seeing it again, most likely tomorrow. Glee! Also tomorrow, going to the late show of Mama Mia, I love payday. Not the candy bar (those are gross).

Let's see...oh, new health changes that should be shared. Don't worry, I am in perfect health. Well, not perfect, but I'm not sick. ANYWAY. I have decided to make a lifestyle change or two. For starters, my fast food restaurants now include the following (and only the following: Jimmy Johns, Subway, Arbys (cause I love the roast beef there). Period, that's it, no exceptions. I will start eating grilled or bakes chicken as opposed to fried. Going to add more fish into the mix, and less beef. Special K stuff still, cause it's quick and easy and healthy. Basically I'm cutting down on my fried food intake, things like potato chips and french fries are out. I am going to buy and eat more fruit and vegetables (the ones I like anyway) and continue to take a multi-vitamin. I will still go out and eat, and enjoy things like pizza and bacon cheeseburgers, but only once or twice a month. I am cutting down my chocolate intake as well. Trading ice cream bars for frozen fruit bars, ice cream for real fruit sorbet, and candy bars for fruit cups. Also, I'm trading in soda for water and juice. I will still be drinking tea, but cutting out kool-aid. i will also be cutting down my pasta intake, opting instead for a rice base. Not totally getting rid of my pasta, just cutting it down. And while I'm at it, I'm making my portions smaller. Changing my eating habits rather than dieting. I always said I would not be fat, and I suppose I'm not, but I'm not the size I should be either. I know that, and it's time to do something about it.

As for the actual doing stuff, I need to introduce myself to working out again, I prefer swimming and resistance weight training to running because of my knee problems, but I would like to build up to running at some point because all you need for that is a good pair of shoes. And of course I will continue to play Ultimate. I am going to a tournament this weekend, and I'm looking forward to it. JaX HaT in Jacksonville. Should be pretty sweet.

Well, I think that does it for me.

Look at the Pictures!






It's Sam! He's two...and huge!

The Life That Lives Itself

So I am writing a book, well three books. A novel, A collection of short stories, and an anthology of poetry and lyrics. But, it is the novel that I am the most exited about and that I mean to talk about in this post.

I wrote a short story about two years ago, and sent it into a writers magazine for possible publication. When the magazine sent me an e-mail telling me they were very impressed with the story, but that they would like me to expand it before the printed it. Well, to be quite frank, it scared me. It was also stated in the e-mail that should I choose to turn the story into a novel that they would assist me in it's publication. Now, that was two years ago, so I don't really expect that kind of help. Anyway, I'm sure you are wondering why the idea of expanding the story frightened me. If any of you have read my blog religiously(haha) you would have read the story. "Dream Girl", I posted it a few weeks ago in hopes of little feedback ( I was disappointed, but that is neither here nor there). The story is violent, both physically and mentally, even for me. I've always had a vivid imagination and the ideas for the details and the expansion of the story are not in short supply, but the last time I went into such detail in a violent story I was sent to talk to a school counselor. So you can see why I would hesitate. The other reason is that, me knowing I have these kind of thoughts is one thing, writing them down for millions of people to have access too, is another thing entirely. I wasn't ready for it then.

But. The idea of writing the book has never left me. And now, I have committed to it. I must say that when I sat down to write it, I didn't know what to expect. Would it all just point out at once? Would it take awhile? Are all the characters simply going to be there? Where would I write such a book? What about editing? ect, ect. And I must say that I have had no answer to these questions. The story has quite taken on a life of it's own as it develops into a novel, I am probably only about half-way through writing the first section. I say section because the book will be written and divided in the same manor as Stephen Kings "It", with titled sections and small "chapters" within. As too how may sections and chapters, well, I suppose only the writing will tell.

I rather hope to finish the book by the end of the year, and that includes editing. I'd like to get it published as soon as I can. Writing it has been a very exciting experience so far, getting to know the characters as I write them, creating a new world that won't disappear, but will instead one day be vivid in the minds of other people.
I dunno, it's an almost paralyzing thought.

If any of you, my readers would like to keep up with project, you may do so at WEbook.com, the book is called Dream Girl, and the penname is Keledae. I hope to hear more feedback, the more I hear the better I can make the book, it's amazing what you can miss when you see things only from your point, and I don't want to miss much in this.

The Strange effect of homelessness within reason

I am technically homeless. No,I'm not living in my car or a cardboard box. But I don't have an address that is mine, or a place that I live in surrounded by my things and belongings and furniture. I am living on the grace of friends. And well, I'm not happy about it. But, logically it's the only thing I can do right now. I live paycheck by paycheck and by the time I've fueled up the beast, I barely have enough to go on for the week, much less to put back or toward a rent payment. Yes, I know that it is my fault for not finding a new job, and on that front, I've decided to stay here through the summer. which was the original plan, unless of course, they cut my hours again. Which btw has been mentioned. So far, no follow through on that though. The truth is that moving to a new job in the middle of the summer is not my idea of a good time, not when I get the day off pretty much whenever I want/need it. I don't take advantage of this very often, because I don't want to lose the privilege and or the money, but it's there. Which is nice. Also I am doing an audition in august that may make me having a permanent address in good ole q-town a thing not needed ( I hope that's the case) more on that to come in August.
I don't really have much to say, although these days I have a ton on my mind. These past two months have been a dramatic whirlwind, and if I hadn't checked the dates on the calendar just this morning, I would not believe it has only been two months since everything started happening.
Various things have kept me from Ultimate for the past few weeks, and I find that to be depressing. I always miss it when I don't go, although I don't seem to be missed. Not on the field or off of it for that matter. Oh well, I guess that's the way it goes sometimes. And I suppose it's my fault really.
Anyway,

I haven't written for a while. Not like I used to. I did do some painting the other day, and that was great. I seem to be in a rut, and I'm not sure what to do about it. Maybe it's this town. I dunno, I think if the audition doesn't go the way I want it to I'll just move. Out of town, to someplace new. Someplace I can start over. Maybe even someplace on a different continent. I dunno. We'll see.

new Projects for Old ideas

I believe I shall record myself reading "IT" aloud. I don't know why, but something about that book fascinates me. I think it the genius of all the subtleties of the clown Pennywise that so many people miss. Well, they don't miss them, but they don't acknowledge them either. It's the subtleties that make Pennywise the basis of fear for so many people, child and adult alike. Those small nuances that we all see in ourselves that cause that irrational fear of an imaginary villain to plague us throughout our lives. Or maybe it's that we doubt the non-existence. Perhaps somewhere the fear is that Pennywise is REAL.

A good fear to have. Because Pennywise is real. He exists all over. He is the personification of intolerance, violence, misunderstanding, new ideas, sexual desire, hatred, anger, and unquestioned tradition. It is those things that he represents that thrive today. Unchecked almost by society. These things that we hold on to as a society. The ugly that hides behind the white picket fences and the buicks in the driveways. Racism, Abuse, Grudges that are held to long, Anger that boils inside the persecuted. That is what Pennywise represents.

All these things that we walk over, and don't talk about above a whisper. The small evils inside each of us that fly about invisible overhead. The ones that everyone sees, but nobody talks about. The secret carnal desires to kill and maim that we all harbor. Pennywise the clown, is the manifestation of all of that and more. He waits for his moment, he calculates his chances, he strikes on cue. Never misses a beat, never in quite the same way, but always with the same method. Always in the same places. The places that we walk right past, and ignore because without those places all that ugly that we hide would have no where to go when it finally gets tired of being dormant and ignored. The places that we shake our heads at, but don't tear down because we are afraid that that old, crusty clown will take of residence on our doorsteps if we tear down the not-so-secrets places that he lurks in with our permission. Our unspoken consent for his evil.

So, why a clown? Why not? The irony is that while most of the time we laugh at clowns, Pennywise laughs at us. He is colorful and tempting, we can't look away, even though we know we should. he is enticing, intoxicating, but he doesn't fool anyone. We can all see through his disguise. We can smell beneath the caramel corn and cotton candy, the rotting flesh, we can hear beneath the laughter and the sweetly lilting voice, the screams of terror and the gleeful undercurrent of evil intentions. BUt even though he doesn't fool us, he entertains us. Until he gets too close, then the fear seeps in and we run away screaming afraid of we may have been victim of, afraid also of what we may have unconsciously given him permission to do. And some of us, stare him in the face and allow him to put his putrid hands on our shoulder and usher us to our deaths, or to the deaths of someone else at our hands.

That is the real genius in Stephen Kings creation. The reality that it represents.

Getting creative in the kitchen

So, this week, my creative juices my flowing, quite literally in the Kitchen. In the past two days, I've come up with TWO new recipes and and gathered about 100 others from trusted on-line sources and friends. This is fun. The first one turned out really well, and the second one I will try tonight when I get home from work. But I thought I would share them:
# 1
This is basically two different types of chicken recipes (Italian crusted chicken, and Parmesan chicken) combined into one. The measures are guesses since i very rarely actually measure it all out, so feel free to do more or less of things to your tastes. Hope you like it!
-----------------------

Clara’s Italian Parmesan Stuffed Chicken

you will need:
4 large, boneless chicken breasts
1-2 cups of your favorite spaghetti sauce (homemade or pre-mixed, either is fine)

4 teaspoons ricotta cheese

2 cups of mixed shredded cheeses, asiago, Parmesan, mozzarella
2 cups dried bread crumbs
1 tablespoon dried parsley
1 teaspoon each dried oregano, dried basil, garlic powder, and onion powder
8-12 toothpicks
Large baking pan (I prefer glass)

directions:

Grease baking pan in whatever method you prefer (butter, spray, olive oil, etc)

Pre-heat oven to 350 degrees.

In a medium mixing bowl, combine sauce, ricotta cheese, and shredded cheese mix. Stir well, set aside.

In a large mixing bowl, combine bread crumbs, parsley, oregano, basil, garlic powder, onion powder and set aside.

On wax paper, flatten the chicken breasts using whatever method you prefer, beat or roll or whatever.
Take flattened chicken breasts and cover them with the bread crumb mixture.

Return to wax paper flat side up.

Spoon the sauce and cheese mixture into the center of each crumb-coated chicken breast, leaving a little room around the edges.

Roll chicken breasts and secure with toothpicks.

Place in greased pan (seam side down), and bake on center rack in the oven, for approximately 45 minutes to an hour (cooking time vary with ovens) until chicken is cooked through and crumbs are slightly browned.

Remove from oven and serve with whatever sides you want.
---------------------------

#2:
Apple Raspberry Pork Chops

What you will need:

2 medium to large apples (whatever type you prefer, as long as they are not too mushy)
1 cup raspberries
cinnamon
butter
salt
4-6 pork chops
1 large skillet


directions:


Thinly slice apples, peeling is not required, but please don't use the core
lightly salt the pork chops
place butter (about 1 tsp) apple slices and raspberries into skillet on med-low heat. Add a dash of cinnamon (to taste) sautee.

remove 85% of apple slices and raspberries, but leave the juices in the skillet. Place pork chops in skillet and raise heat to med. Cook thoroughly.
Remove from skillet, cover with sauteed fruits, serve.

Waging War

It seems lately that everything has to be a battle of epic proportions. And why not? With the river rising to record levels, two-four levees breaking everyday, and rain coming. Why shouldn't everything in life follow suit? I see no logical reason. For example, today I got up early, got dressed, picked up James, ran an errand and headed down to the OLC for some sand-slinging fun. We arrived t about 20 after 9 and proceeded to skip past registration, (thankfully I had already done that) and head out to the overly crowded parking lot full of sand. Today, the place was packed. I mean full to overflowing with volunteers. Which is great, sort of. Yesterday they were begging for help, today it was hard to swing a shovel without knocking out the person next to you. Not that I would have minded knocking out the kids that were next to me. This huge group from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is there. And of course, they know everything. How to fill the bags up too much, and how to start a tossing chain for stacking that puts in within two feet of people who are wielding shovels full of sand on either side. How to start digging from the bottom rather than the top and make things for difficult for everyone working on that particular mound, and best of all...How to NOT listen when we tell them the proper way to fill a sandbag for a levy that is already 6 ft tall, and will have to be tossed by volunteers. Nope, they know everything. Hooray for them. So, two hours, and two-hundred and fifty sandbags later, we called it a day. Tired of fighting the Elders and the Sisters. We met chaz and sami for lunch, which was agreeable. Sort of.

Why sort of? Well, it has nothing to do with the company, the company was great. It has more to do with the next battle for me. The Battle for my Body. Weapons of Choice: Ultimate Frisbee, sandbagging, Swimming, Special K, and Hydroxycut. It's been almost two years since I gave birth, and to be frank. I am tired of being fat. Well, I'm not fat. I'm just out of shape and carrying around a bit of extra skin on my belly area.Which by the way, used to be home to a rather supple four-pack. I miss that. I miss not being self-conscious about my body. I miss my body. I want it back, and so I have added Hydroxycut to my arsenal. And by golly it works fast. I've never put this type of man-made "toxin" in my body before. I usually go organic with this type of thing. But organic is slow, and I've been fat, two years too long. And I'm done with it. Problem is, my body is not used to this type of assault, and I don't think it's taking it well. Oh it's working, I've drank more water today than I usually do in a month. I've also peed more. Not that you needed to know that. But apparently four hours between doses is not enough time for my system to process things. Because I'm tired. at 4 in the afternoon. This is not normal. Tired at 4 in the morning, sure, that is normal. And actually, fairly usual. I'm an active person, and I wake up around twilight, and am up and going till sometime around 3 am on most days. I have a feeling that Ultimate today, is probably a bad idea. I will go anyway, cause I am not sure, but we will see. I do know that people swear by this stuff, and judging by my reaction to it already, I should see results. I better see results. I am at the end of my rope here. I can't just do weight training, I tried that, it builds muscle underneath the extra skin, and does nothing for it. Cardio also doesn't help, and yoga just keeps me flexible. So it's this, or the doctors (not lipo or anything, a nutritionist and some type of prescribed something or other to help) and I hate doctors.

I also hate unresolved conflict. I am the type of person to face things full on, and in good time. I hate waiting things out. It seems in order to win this final battle in my life, I must do just that. wait. Until he is finally ready to talk. I wish he'd hurry up though, I am impatient, and I think this dumb. Well, not dumb, but I think it's dumb to put off dealing with it. Not my choice I guess. Oh well, whatever will be will be.

New Song!

It's called "Crushed" go listen to it

www.myspace.com/claraelizabethsings

Sandbags, Songs, and Storms of the heart

So, yesterday in an effort to do my part for the community, which is facing the possibility of the worst flood in it's history, I went sandbagging. Six long hours and 875 sandbags later, I was exhausted and as you can imagine today, I am sore and stiff despite the the stretching and hot baths. Sigh, oh well, it's worth it, and I'll probably do it again. I went with Mel, we started at the Oakley-Lindsey Center, and ended up at the tic toc motel. It was a good day, long, but good.

So, what else? Currently I am coming to make some decisions, it time I think to throw aside some things. Romantically of course. Hopefully in the process I can salvage a friendship that I hold dear, I'm not really quite sure how to do that yet, but I am going to my very best. It would seem that after all these years, some feeling never die, and some never change. Some do. I'm hoping in this case that one will be the later, and one will be the former. Nothing like vague explanations, huh.?
As is my usual practice in these situations, when I need to express myself, I have turned to poetry and song writing. The current song storming around in my brain is a slow jazzy tune, and while the lyrics are unfinished the chorus is done, so I thought I'd share:

You can hold on to the pain
You can turn and twist and blame
You can horde the past if you want to
But I think you should know
That I've cried my last tear
over you

---------------------------so yeah, it's not really done yet, a work in progress. My favorite kind.

Sorry to be so vague, but I think in some cases it's the way it should be. Especially in cases as sensitive as this one.

Also, news on the apartment front. Apparently our terrible landlord has decided that due to the fact that we left our molded furniture in the apartment, and he is now going to have to pay someone to go get it out, that we are not entitled to receiving our deposit back. I'm not surprised, I expected him to come up with some excuse, but we should be ok around the first week of july, so I guess all is well.

That's it for me at the moment.

check back for the full song when it's finished, and some other creative tidbits.

Questions, cause my friends answered them and I feel like returning the info...

Aparently this was started by Esther, and continued by Kayliegh, and now....I will do it too...not just because they did it and I'm a lame follower or anything, but because I think they are good questions worth of answering...

What is...
• 1 - What is something you dislike about yourself?
• 2 - What is something you do well?
• 3 - What is your favourite room in your home and why?
• 4 - What is a good neighbour?
• 5 - What is the worst thing parents can do to their children?
• 6 - What is your favourite time of day?
• 7 - What is your idea of a dull evening?

1.) I dislike my constantly changing amount of self-confidence. Most people see me as confident and capable, some people see me as arrogant, the people who really know me, know that I am truly insecure in many aspects of myself. At least, I am most days. But given the day that can change, My confidence can bust through the roof one day, and them fall into oblivion the next, and I wish that I could level it out somewhere at a healthy medium.
2) I do a lot of things well, write, sing, draw. But I think the thing I do the best is hide. I hide things that I know about people, and things that I know about myself. I hide behind ideas and circumstances when they arise, and I hide my feelings. Very few people truly know how I am feeling at any given moment. This may not be the type of answer the question was designed for, but it's true. I hide.
3) My favorite room has always been the bathroom. I'm not sure why, except that I love water and my favorite way to relax has always been to grab a good book, and fill the bathtub up with scalding hot water and soak myself in the immense steam and heat while I get lost in someones else's story for an hour or so. Plus, the bathroom is relatively safe from disturbances and I need alone time.
4) A good neighbor has nothing to do with proximity. A good neighbor is someone who takes the time to get to know you, and helps you when you need it. They expect nothing from you and are generally gregarious beings. In short, a good neighbor, is nothing more or less, than a good friend.
5)The worst thing a parent can do to their children is not believe in and support them. Children need strong role models who are willing to invest time and strength into their dreams, and those role models should be their parents. Parents who do not support their children, are basically leaving them to fend for themselves and telling them that they are not good enough, and that is something they will never forget.
6) I love twilight(nothing to do with books, I have never read them) I love the temperature and the colors, and watching the world wind down, it's relaxing, and it's in those hours that my imagination truly wakes up and I feel like I am alive from the inside out.
7) A dull evening is one spent in the company of dull and dimwitted people. If I am forced to be surrounded by people who take no joy in life and have no desire to be intelligent, then I will be bored to tears. I'd rather be alone than endure such company.

I have to write a funny song about this.....


This is an actual stained glass window in an actual Catholic church

"The Bad Priest Song"



ah ah ah ah ah ah ah
ah ah ah ah ah ah ah

In The Booth They Tell Me
Secrets I Yearn to hear
I can tell them how to purge
their sins
If they'll only come here

Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah
ah ah ah ah ah ah ah

So sweet the sound of Innocent voices
So succulent the taste of secret vices
How many times have I repented
but the devil has not relented
and I am still indulging

ah ah ah ah ah ah ah
ah ah ah ah ah ah ah

Down on their knees the raise their hands
They pray to me, like little lambs
Never knowing that I'm going
to come
The seek forgiveness
and I give all I can
From within

ah ah ah ah ah ah ah
ah ah ah ah ah ah ah

-----------------------------------so, that's the bad priest song-------------------- it's a little creepy, but hey, I didn't make the window......

The Trials of the Rain

So, to start with, I think I will tell you a little bit about where I am in life.

Currently, I am in limbo. Between houses, dealing with the worst landlord I've ever dealt with, and technically homeless. You would think, that I would be having a much worse attitude, but honestly, I'm really happy in life at the moment. So, how did I get here?

Well, it all starts about six months ago when it was time for my Brother and I to get a new apartment, we looked around and FINALLY found a two-bedroom place, in our price range that allowed my cat. So we signed the lease, with the promise that the repairs that the place needed would soon be under way. So we moved in, and in the first month, a bat and a flying squirrel both came down out of our ceiling. This is not a good sign. Then, the bank we were renting from sold the place. Our new landlord seemed competent and like a generally nice guy who had big plans for the place. So we were happy with the change.

Almost immediately the new landlord got a crew out to cut down a dangerous old tree and start working on the roof. Both good things, or at least, they should have been good things. However, our new landlord was cheap, he cut corners, and ticked off people. So they called the inspectors, and he was ordered to put on an entirely new roof. Which, quit frankly the place needed. Anyway, again he cut corners, and hired people with no qualification to do the job. Then he fired them, halfway through tearing off the roof.

At this point, both my brother and I were staying with friends for different reasons, but I was over to the apartment everyday to check on my LeStat (my kitty) and make sure he had food and water, and human time, ect. He was in good health, lonely, but fine.

So, the landlord fired the people working on the roof, and what happened next? It stormed. For two or three days. I went to the apartment as usual to check on LeStat, and was greeted with quit possibly the worst smell to ever accost my nostrils, and my ceiling was now my floor. My wet, moldy, deceased animal carcass covered floor. hooray. Disgusting. I call my brother, he calls the landlord. I check on the cat, make sure he has a way out of the apartment if he needs it, and head to work.

THE NEXT DAY. I go back, it had rained again, and there were more pieces of the ceiling on the floor, and low and behold, my cat was ill. Now cats are much more capable of recovering from mold poisons and things than humans, so I followed the advice of my mom, and set him up at a friends to watch for 24 hours before taking him to the vet. He didn't improve, in fact he died. We call the landlord to tell him about the toxic mold that exists in his house. We still haven't heard back from him about the ceiling yet.

That night, I head to my apartment to pick up some shower things, and to my astonishment the place has been "cleaned up". There are new tiles in the ceiling, a vacuum has been run, but if you look, you see that the moldy insulation has not been touched. Merely recovered. I call my brother again and tell him of the new development. We decide then and there, that it's time to move out. It's obvious to us that our landlord will not be fixing the problem. This was on Friday night.

Saturday morning I go to work, and I receive a phone call, from my landlord. In this phone call he tells me that I am lying about my cat being dead, and that if I'm not lying it has nothing to do with the ceiling. He also tells me that because we have not paid the rent yet that month he was going to be forced to lock our belongings up in storage. And lock us out. The call itself was longer than this, but I don't feel like writing it all out. By the time I got off the phone, I was irate, furious, to the point of tears. My boss sends me home, with the promise of help if I need it. I tell my brother what happened. He calls the Landlord, who FINALLY answers his phone. Now, with my brother it's different story. It's much more polite and professional, and we are given the weekend to move out. So we pack our stuff up in storage, and in the back of our truck, and make an attempt to clean the place up. Now we are waiting for the landlord to give us our deposit back so that we can put it down on a new place, hopefully at The Trace, they have a pool after all.

The other pieces of my life are just as complicated, but not as much of a story. I have started a band that is yet to named, created a music page(http://www.myspace.com/claraelizabethsings), started looking for new job, a new apartment, and returned to playing Ultimate. I've also developed and uber crush and very deep feelings for one of friends, unfortunately for me, these feelings are not returned. But that happens to everyone at some point I suppose.

So, even though I am currently without residence (I have a place to stay, don't worry) My life is pretty much on the up. My music is getting underway, I graduated college, and I have big travel plans for next year. And that is pretty much the update for my life so far.

until next time
DV