On Gas, Cell Phones, and a sickness with no cure...

So, let's just start with this week=crap. Total crap. I know it's only Wednesday, but hey, let's face it. This week sucks, and I don't look for it to get any better. Actually I think it will simply get worse. I suppose that's the pill I chose to swallow. I didn't realize it would be this hard. After all, I knew what to expect, well, sort of, and only in one aspect. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Back to the beginning of things: Last Friday...

I got a message from him. I replied. He read it, and didn't reply. There was nothing abnormal about these messages. Nothing that is, except that he didn't respond...for three days. Three days. Not really that long in normal circumstances. But when you go from talking for three hours(at least) every day to nothing. Well, it's worrying. And worry was exactly what I did.

Monday. I get a message from him. I read it, and I realize every lie I've ever told myself, I hear them replaying in my mind. I hear me saying half truths. I hear me convince myself of them. I read it again. I am flooded by emotions, fear, anger, sadness, betrayal. Most of these are completely irrational. I respond. Short, quick, cold. And my whole world shatters in on itself, and I don't know how this happened. I should've kept a better watch on myself, and maybe, just maybe ( I will never know for sure) I could've kept this from happening. It didn't have to be this way. I numb the pain, block it from my mind, my heart. I ignore it. I won't let it get to me. Just one more lie I told myself. I go to a friends house, heavily armed with Crown and Bailees and there I assault myself with intoxicating liquids, just enough to allow me to feel it. To be in it. To shot about it. To react to it. To die. Getting drunk on a Monday. Not a good sign. I send him another message.

Tuesday. I get a message from him. He allays my fears. And stirs up my confusion. I reply. It's payday. I cash my check. I go to my second job. I head to a friends house. I run out of gas. The truck lurches. The car behind me is a cop. I have a tail light out. Nothing like adding insult to injury. He runs my info. I have an unpaid parking ticket. Which is now a warrant. Great. Pay it or go to jail. There goes my paycheck. I go downtown. I pay my fine. I go to my friends out. I need a gas can. I need a drink. I need to cry. I get the first thing I need. The other two will have to wait. We have a long talk. I know where I am, I know where I am headed, it doesn't take the feelings out of it. It doesn't dull the pain, it makes it worse. I get the help I need with the truck. I go home.

Wednesday. (today). I don't get a message from him. I have something for him, it's his birthday. I go to a job interview. I force the smile, the laid back professionalism. I make witty remarks, and show my intelligence. I flash that smile, and bat those lashes. I leave an excellent impression. He will give me the highest recommendation, with a push for management. I should be thrilled. But my heart is sick. I feel like the life force is draining into my lungs, crushing the air out them, stealing my breath. My heartbeat is slow and painfully loud, laboured. My eyes are dry, they have nothing to cry, they cry silently. I feel like my soul is dying. I go to see about my phone. It's not going to be easy or inexpensive. I can't do anything about that. I have to get it back. I feel like fighting, but my soul is in slow response. I wouldn't win anyway. I go to work. That's where I am. This place is like a torture chamber today.

Survey about me

Name:	Clara
Birthdate:	19850219
Birthplace:	Mississippi
Current Location:	Illinois
Eye Color:	Brown/Gold Hazel
Hair Color:	Borwnish Blondish Reddish
Height:	5'6"
Weight:	155
Piercings:
Tatoos:	one on my back, on on my neck
Boyfriend/Girlfriend:	not at the moment
Overused Phraze:	True That
FAVORITES
Food:	Chicken Parmesean
Candy:	Chocolate
Number:	27
Color:	Red
Animal:	Lynx
Drink:	Sweet Tea
Alcohol Drink:	Baileys on the Rocks
Bagel:&..39;>
Letter:	Q
Body Part on Opposite sex:	Shoulders
This or That
Pepsi or Coke:	Coke
McDonalds or BurgerKing:	BurgerKing
Strawberry or Watermelon:	Watermelon
Hot tea or Ice tea:	Ice
Chocolate or Vanilla	Chocolate
Hot Chocolate or Coffee:	Hot Chocolate
Kiss or Hug:	Both
Dog or Cat:	Cat
Rap or Punk:	neither
Summer or Winter:	Summer
Scary Movies or Funny Movies:	Scary
Love or Money:	Love
YOUR...
Bedtime:	whenever I crash
Most Missed Memory:	times with my dad
Best phyiscal feature:	eyes?
First Thought Waking Up:	what time is it?
Goal for this year:	New job
Best Friends:	Melissa, Brandon, Nate, Christian, Madelyn, Chaz
Weakness:	good looking men on motorcycles
Fears:	being afraid
Heritage:	English, Itallian, Scottish
Longest relationship:	off and on for two years
HAVE YOU...
Ever Drank:	Yep
Ever Smoked:	Yep
Pot:	Yep
Ever been Drunk:	Yep
Ever been beaten up:	No
Ever beaten someone up:	Yep
Ever Shoplifted:	Yep
Ever Skinny Dipped:	Yep
Ever Kissed Opposite sex:	Yep
Been Dumped Lately:	No
IN A GUY/GIRL
Favorite Eye Color:	I like green eyes
Favorite Hair Color:	dark brown
Short or Long:	depends on the guy
Height:	6'0" or taller please
Style:	casual and cooridanted
Looks or Personality:	Both
Hot or Cute
Drugs and Alcohol:	no huge depencies
Muscular or Really Skinny:	I like 'em Lithe
RANDOMS
Number of Regrets in the Past:	0
What country do you want to Visit:	Greece
How do you want to Die:	happy
Been to the Mall Lately:	yeah
Do you like Thunderstorms:	love 'em
Get along with your Parents:	sure do
Health Freak:	eh
Do you think your Attractive:	most days
Believe in Yourself:	always
Want to go to College:	been there, graduated
Do you Smoke:	no
Do you Drink:	yes
Shower Daily:	yeah
Been in Love:	not yet
Do you Sing:	All the time
Want to get Married:	yes
Do you want Children:	yes
Have your future kids names planned out:	two of them
Age you wanna lose your Virginity:	lost it at 18
Hate anyone:
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

when rest becomes a torture chamber how do you recover

It has been a while since I have updated. So here goes. I am having dreams. Some of them are terribly horrible nightmares, some should be pleasant but the real world makes them cut like diamond edged knife. So, I'm not sleeping well. I stay awake till can't stand to awake anymore and I jerk myself out of my dream sleep at least three times a night, and one of those times if not all I'm usually in tears. So if I am or have been cranky, I apologize.

I get myself into the most foolish situations sometimes. I am not a fool, but I still make stupid choices. I hope that soon, I will have a handle on everything going on. I don't feel like going into details. Sorry.

On the flip side. I am now the proud occupant of a CLEAN apartment (if you don't count my bedroom which is the last room on the priority list for cleaning). I have a fantastic new roomie. Some fabulous friends, both old and new, and a lot of promising things coming up in my future. I think. I hope. I believe. It's hard to stay positive these days. I miss my brother. I like being on my own again, but I miss his company. I miss that security that he brought with him, I was never afraid while he was around. I'm sure he will be much happier where he is though, and that is more important.

It would seem that I am in less than good spirits by this post. Which is true to a point, but not really. I am actually really enjoying my life. It's just a hard place right now. Looking forward to getting my next tat. So excited about that.

Not really much else to say I guess, other than to Kayleigh, we need to go take pictures together again soon. k.

A love-hate Relationship...

...with, you guessed it: Myself. Now don't get the wrong idea here, I love myself, who I am, the future I see before me. I have that deep tingle that says my dreams will come true, the one that kind of hums along in the back of your brain as you toil over ridiculously boring tasks day in and day out that makes it all worth it.I love that. I love finally feeling settled. I have moved and moved, and never really been on my own two feet, I've been lost and constantly falling down, and in class, and in a state of apathetic living that, well, to be honest, was somewhat less than flattering (kind of like the 30 pounds I put on in the past 3 years...oh yeah, I said 30). But, somehow, through losing myself in a relationship that I can never really have, I've been able to actually ground the rest of myself.

And when I say ground, I mean really take action, really allow myself the comfort of being happy, even though I'm really sad. Doesn't make sense, I know, but such as it is, well, it is. So. I am looking for a new job, I am going to Hannibal tomorrow to apply at General Mills and Swiss Colonies. Both jobs have good rates of pay and good rates of raises. I have a separate part time job all ready, plus the shop. However, if my dreams that tingle so vividly are really going to come true, then I need a new main job, one that pays above minimum wage, and is full time. days. no night shift for me. I have standards for my next job, something I've never had before. Through this complicated new friendship I've been able to see myself through the complimentary eyes of another, someone who genuinely thinks I am awesome, who hasn't been around me my entire life, someone that doesn't owe me a thing, and well, somehow he gets me. He gets me like no one else does, even when I make no sense he knows what I am saying. And something about that, allows me to believe it when he says I am amazing. And I have needed that, that ability to believe. I lost it somewhere along my bumpy and winding road. He's given it back to me, and as much as I would like to say that he is my new whatever, he isn't. He will probably never be, but he is fast becoming one of my best friends, and right now, he is one of the most important people in my life.

I also love where my art is going. I've been writing songs for awhile, i am going to record the acapella versions of them. I don't have accompaniment. I don't need it. My music is great without it. period. I was recently commissioned to do an art piece, which I finished two days ago, and delivered today. Now, it was friend who commissioned it, but still, it was a great feeling to see her face and know that I got it right, to know that she loved it, to know that I can do my art and live on it. It is also amazing to finally be able to make my own art, with no one else's work staring at me while I copy it down. I can take what's in my head, and put it on canvas or paper, and it's all me. I love, love, love it.

So, you ask me, where's the hate part? The hate part comes in full circle to the he mentioned above. I hate the situation we are in right now, but as I find that I can talk to him openly about it, I am watching my feelings slowly ebb away to the places where they are allowed to be, and that is not him. And I am OK with it, I think I will be more OK than I thought I would. And even if I'm not, I have a great support system in place to keep me up when all I want to do, is collapse. So thanks for that. I also hate that dirty 30 I mentioned in the first paragraph, it may have taken me three years to accumulate that extra, but you better believe it won't take me that long to banish it!!!!

I also have a love/hate thing going on with my job, I hate going to work, but once I get there, it's not so bad. I love my boss, but I hate the monotony of doing the same nothing day after day. I want a job that has me up and on the go, one that will allow me keep up a good metabolism rate, even while I'm work. hmmmm. So I will keep everyone updated on how that goes. I guess that's it.

It's strange to think that just last night, I was morose and angry with myself, embarrassed by my own true feelings, and then simply by honestly talking them out with someone, I feel like I am soooo close to overcoming that barrier, to stepping onto the next block and moving on with my life. And I love it. Even if it means I don't get I want (and I hate that).

No Matter how much I might want to

it's a sign of maturity when you deny yourself for the greater good of another. If you read that and rolled your eyes at my mistake, give me the delusion. I need it. Sometimes making a fool of yourself is what is needed to make that better option happen. Sometimes you have to see the truth to be able to lie yourself through it.

My Personality

Personality Profile


My Personality

Neuroticism

36

Extraversion

83
Openness To Experience

71
Agreeableness

0
Conscientiousness

61


You do not feel nervous in social situations, and have a good impression of what others think of you, however you don't usually get angry too easily but some things can annoy you. You tend not to talk much and prefer to let others control the activities of groups. You prefer the security and stability brought by conformity to tradition. You will help others if they are in need. If people ask for too much of your time you feel that they are imposing on you, however you believe that a certain amount of deception in social relationships is necessary. You are guarded in new relationships and less willing to openly reveal the whole truth about yourself. You believe that you have the intelligence, common sense, drive, and self-control necessary for achieving success.