I write Poetry

I read poetry with a biased eye
Who decides? I think, that these words
mean more than mine
But as I read, I step in time
To someone else's rhythm and
someone else's rhyme
I picture places I've never been
I see new faces I've never seen
I hear words spoken that touch my heart
I deal with places
I am torn apart

I read poetry with a biased eye
Who decides? Thinks I, that these words
are more than mine
But as I read
I step across seas
I enter palaces
I float with the breeze
I move through time
I settle in space
I watch death
I see grace
I relearn lessons I thought I knew
I look around, I see new hues
New colors come in
They fade
and die

Because I read poetry with a biased eye

Ahhhh.....yay stuffs.....

*sigh*

So many things are going through my mind these days. Things about houses and jobs and futures and can I just say WHOA! Of all the things I never thought I would be concerned about, it's my job. I mean seriously, I want to write and travel, that's it. So what does it matter what kind of job I have? It matters quite a bit it turns out. I have recently began to love pretty much every aspect of my personal life, both currently and in the projected future. And let me tell you, loving my personal life has only foiled how much I loathe and despise pretty much every aspect of my professional life. So, what am I going to do about it? First things first. Finish my degree, I have one class left, and that just looks bad. I mean, what serious employer is going to hire someone who quit at the end? Nobody likes a choker, I mean seriously, I'm a Bears fan, I know how much I hate it when they quit at the end. So, that's goal number one, and should be achieved at the end of the spring semester. Huroo!

Then what? Well, to be honest, I'm going to wait to finish my degree to try to land that killer job. Of course, first I have to find it, apply for it, call about it, inquire about it, and basically be almost obnoxious about it until I get that interview. I've always been good at interviews. I'm 98% sure that I can land any job I want. I just have to land the interview first. But before I can land an interview, I have to find the job. Such a vicious cycle. oh well. I suppose I should put together a list of good professional references as well. That's a little scary.

Also, this job, has to have a level of flexibility in it's scheduling. I know I know, that's asking a lot, but, it's really non-negotiable when you consider the amount of traveling I do locally and abroad. I would love to find something that is 3/4 of the year on, and have my summers off. I just don't want to teach, which poses a bit of a problem. I know I'll find it, I just have to learn where to look :)

Anybody got any ideas? I'm open to suggestions.

And on the Rollercoaster I Ride...

Well, gosh. It has been awhile. I apologize, but I don't promise to do better. SO much has happened since I last wrote that I'm unsure of where to start, so I usually find in times such as these that my subconscious has some type of creativity in store, so I will write spontaneous poetry and hope it makes sense, and hope it is a poem. lol. Here goes.



Where do you start when you can't begin
I suppose you go to the beginning again
And that was years ago and a different me
So how can I tell you what can no longer be?
When everything is changing then I can't be the same
I know that I am suddenly weary of my name
At of the way it stands today, but all that is ahead of its place
It's too early to explain the smiles on my face
Before you know the trials I explored
The time I spent face down on the floor
Begging God to take it away because I couldn't have it anyway
Walking through my door everyday with anger in my heart
Feeling taken advantage of, lost, and torn apart
I had no where to turn that I would acknowledge
After all you can't get my life just because you went to the same college
And somewhere in all that I snapped
And left it all behind
To help a loved one, and be repaid in kind
The payment came alright, though not the way I hoped
I met the guy I'd always dreamed of, and turns out he couldn't cope
So I gave up again and turned to the friend that lived outside my lines
And what a turn of events that when I spoke to him I find
That my world has expanded it's borders, or maybe his contracted
but suddenly I could have the one to whom my heart was attracted
And now I sit in the palm of his hand
Happy because he is my man
And on the brink of change again, I find myself slightly whelmed
It can't be as good as it sounds
So many things left unsaid from the beginning that is now at end
And the beginning that is begging to start
I find the wanderings are now in my imagination that used to reside in my heart
How's that for a story
Not quite enough?
Well you try it sometime
Telling a story is art, and this is rough
and just beginning, even though technically, it's finally ending.

Symbols

There are a lot of different definitions of symbols. Some people use them as excuses for the way they live their lives. Some people define themselves with symbols. Some people read them for answers.

But some times, symbols are more than that. Sometimes things become representative without conscious effort. Sometimes they just become, and until that symbol breaks. You may never be aware of its existence. This has recently happened to me.

Meet Sophie:




Sophie is my car. My symbol of rebirth. The first really nice thing I've ever owned. The first car I really connected with. She was the beginning of bigger and better things for me. The ambassador of my future. She was my subconscious symbol. And now...

she's broken.

The oil pump went out. For those of you not mechanically inclined. That means the oil-pump was no longer sending oil through the engine. So it ran dry. This happened while I was on my home from James house, so I unknowingly drove it home. Now, what happens when an engine runs dry. Well, to put it bluntly, it burns up. The bearing go dry, the lifters shake, and sooner or later, you throw a rod or two. So what does that mean? It means new engine time.

So, how do you overcome the first death of a subconscious symbol? Be it resurrected or not?

Who knows? I do. You just do. You just move through it, like everything else. And hope for the best. Make it happen. What else can you do?

It's the funny thing about WISDOM

Current mood:Conflicted

You know what I think is funny. How smart I am, how perceptive, how easy it is for me to look at a situation objectively and come up with answers.

Why is that funny? Because most of the things that are so clear to me. Seriously,80% of them, I know nothing about from personal experience. You heard me, zip, nada, zilch.

So, why is it that people come to me for advice? Is it because of my own persona; brand of clear cut logic. You know, the kind that takes emotions and turns them into factors. Factors that can conveniently be cut out of the equation at some point?

Perhaps, it is because I am merely an observer in these things that I can see them so clearly, from my point of view anyway.

I often wonder how many realize that I will talk to them for hours about happenings, dynamics, relationships, problem, ect....that I care absolutely nothing about. I've always been good at keeping some realities to myself, but come on....no one is that good. EVERYONE can't be fooled.

Now, don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't care about the people who come to me for advice, but, I just really don't understand why they need my advice at all. After all, all I can do is deduce from logic and fact what I think is the right course of action. I'm not in their shoes, I don't feel what they feel, and I don't want to. Hell, I don't even want to hear about it. But I do. All the time.

I never turn them away, I always listen. I always advise. I always do what is expected of me.

But I always wonder when the day is through, why do they expect it from me? Me, the person who keeps things on lock down. The person who has never been there, at least romantically (well, most of the time). After all, I'm the girl who is famous for the two-week relationship. I look out for me, myself, and I above everyone else.

So many people come to me for advice, they think I am wise. But the funny thing about my wisdom? It lacks experience. Think about that.

3 years to the day

so, I've been a little moody today. A little morose, a little grumpy. I could blame it on lack of sleep, or my fast food job, or the fact that I have no idea when I will be able to see the people I want. But if I was going to be honest, I'd have to say that today, well, it's all just getting to me.

For those of you that don't know what I'm talking about, 3 years ago I gave birth to baby boy who I gave up for adoption to my aunt and uncle. It's a long story but if you don't know the details, then you probably don't need to know them. For the past two years I've been ok, no big emotional roller coaster, no real emptiness, nothing really out of the ordinary. just another 4th of July. But something about this year is just different.

Maybe it's living with my mom, and taking care of her while she recovers from her surgery. Maybe it's knowing people who enjoy taking care of their siblings or children and helping them. Maybe it's being away from the people who have always been my strongest line of defense against all things depressing and who were there with me from the beginning of all of it. Whatever it is that makes this year different, this year I'm sad. This year I don't want to be alone, this year I want to be held, this year I want to cry. But don't worry, I won't.

Be Still My Rumbling Heart...

yeah, you heard me. I said shut up. I don't want to hear anymore about him from you. I will never have him, so let it go. This is just a note to myself. To let things be.