Symbols

There are a lot of different definitions of symbols. Some people use them as excuses for the way they live their lives. Some people define themselves with symbols. Some people read them for answers.

But some times, symbols are more than that. Sometimes things become representative without conscious effort. Sometimes they just become, and until that symbol breaks. You may never be aware of its existence. This has recently happened to me.

Meet Sophie:




Sophie is my car. My symbol of rebirth. The first really nice thing I've ever owned. The first car I really connected with. She was the beginning of bigger and better things for me. The ambassador of my future. She was my subconscious symbol. And now...

she's broken.

The oil pump went out. For those of you not mechanically inclined. That means the oil-pump was no longer sending oil through the engine. So it ran dry. This happened while I was on my home from James house, so I unknowingly drove it home. Now, what happens when an engine runs dry. Well, to put it bluntly, it burns up. The bearing go dry, the lifters shake, and sooner or later, you throw a rod or two. So what does that mean? It means new engine time.

So, how do you overcome the first death of a subconscious symbol? Be it resurrected or not?

Who knows? I do. You just do. You just move through it, like everything else. And hope for the best. Make it happen. What else can you do?

It's the funny thing about WISDOM

Current mood:Conflicted

You know what I think is funny. How smart I am, how perceptive, how easy it is for me to look at a situation objectively and come up with answers.

Why is that funny? Because most of the things that are so clear to me. Seriously,80% of them, I know nothing about from personal experience. You heard me, zip, nada, zilch.

So, why is it that people come to me for advice? Is it because of my own persona; brand of clear cut logic. You know, the kind that takes emotions and turns them into factors. Factors that can conveniently be cut out of the equation at some point?

Perhaps, it is because I am merely an observer in these things that I can see them so clearly, from my point of view anyway.

I often wonder how many realize that I will talk to them for hours about happenings, dynamics, relationships, problem, ect....that I care absolutely nothing about. I've always been good at keeping some realities to myself, but come on....no one is that good. EVERYONE can't be fooled.

Now, don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't care about the people who come to me for advice, but, I just really don't understand why they need my advice at all. After all, all I can do is deduce from logic and fact what I think is the right course of action. I'm not in their shoes, I don't feel what they feel, and I don't want to. Hell, I don't even want to hear about it. But I do. All the time.

I never turn them away, I always listen. I always advise. I always do what is expected of me.

But I always wonder when the day is through, why do they expect it from me? Me, the person who keeps things on lock down. The person who has never been there, at least romantically (well, most of the time). After all, I'm the girl who is famous for the two-week relationship. I look out for me, myself, and I above everyone else.

So many people come to me for advice, they think I am wise. But the funny thing about my wisdom? It lacks experience. Think about that.

3 years to the day

so, I've been a little moody today. A little morose, a little grumpy. I could blame it on lack of sleep, or my fast food job, or the fact that I have no idea when I will be able to see the people I want. But if I was going to be honest, I'd have to say that today, well, it's all just getting to me.

For those of you that don't know what I'm talking about, 3 years ago I gave birth to baby boy who I gave up for adoption to my aunt and uncle. It's a long story but if you don't know the details, then you probably don't need to know them. For the past two years I've been ok, no big emotional roller coaster, no real emptiness, nothing really out of the ordinary. just another 4th of July. But something about this year is just different.

Maybe it's living with my mom, and taking care of her while she recovers from her surgery. Maybe it's knowing people who enjoy taking care of their siblings or children and helping them. Maybe it's being away from the people who have always been my strongest line of defense against all things depressing and who were there with me from the beginning of all of it. Whatever it is that makes this year different, this year I'm sad. This year I don't want to be alone, this year I want to be held, this year I want to cry. But don't worry, I won't.

Be Still My Rumbling Heart...

yeah, you heard me. I said shut up. I don't want to hear anymore about him from you. I will never have him, so let it go. This is just a note to myself. To let things be.

ugh...I forgot

so yeah, I guess I've failed at my initial challenge attempt. Therefore I shall start it over. Today.

Blog 1

It would appear that I am ill. Sad face. But perhaps it is a blessing in disguise? Who knows.

anyway, you know what I am not good at. Relationships. I am horrible at them. I misread things, I put too much pressure on myself. It's very frustrating.

Taking the challenge. day 1

well, I'm sitting here in my bed, on the first of the last 11 days that I will be sitting in this bed, in this room, for...well, ever, at least the room anyway. I'm moving, in 11 days. There is a lot to think about, and a lot to do. I wrote a letter of resignation today, let me tell you something, that makes me feel old. I'm not old. But wow does that feel like something I shouldn't be doing yet. Anyway

I am going to miss a lot of people here. This town may not be home, but I have built a family here, and it's one I will miss deeply, even if I don't get around to telling everyone all the time. Which I won't. I'm horrible at that kind of thing.

I wish I could articulate all the emotions that I am dealing with today. I wish I could just stay in bed, and put it all away for a few hours. I can't. But I really wish I could.

It's not that I'm sad to go, a part of me is. Most of me is excited to be moving on, to make a fresh start. I have a few job opportunities lined up already so hopefully that area will go well. I'm a little nervous about all of it. Living so close to my family and all, moving back in with my mom for awhile. Even if it is just 4 months. I live a very different way than my family seems to, and they don't like it even when I'm not just down the street from them. I wonder if they will be upset and hurt by it even more when I am. My roommates tell me all the time that they saw me more often when we didn't live together. It's true too. I am never home. Where i am depends on the things I'm doing. That may change some when I move. Who knows.

But I lined up the truck and trailer today, sent off my resume to a couple of places, applied to a couple of other places using Monster. After I write this I'm headed to the local office of a place down there to see about a job. I guess it's not that counter productive.

It all just feels very overwhelming, especially the finances involved. But it will all work out in the end.

Taking the next step

Well everyone, I've decided what my next move will be (literally)
I'm moving in June, like June 1st-ish. Where? To the St. Louis Area. Quincy hasn't really felt like home to me in a long time. I've been talking about leaving for years, and I've finally got things going to get out of here! I will miss all my friends, seriously, you guys are like family to me. But I need to pursue my life, and do the things that will make me happy. The grad school I want to go to is in STL, I have family there, and friends there. So it makes sense. The area also has the advantage of Max, yep there is a boy. But he is only the catalyst, not the reason for the move. Sooooo, I will finish this semester at QU, and head out. There are a couple of really cool comic shops that pretty much offered me jobs, so hopefully one of those will work out for employment. I'll give more updates on addresses/telephone numbers ect, when I have established everything. I'll be living with my mama for a month or three, so that i can afford to go. I'm very excited :)