Let's talk about Twilight and Edward Cullen

There's nothing quite like a literary man with a strong sense of protection and and an undying love. Mr. Darcy for instance, wow, what I wouldn't give for a man like that. Recently, I have been ambushed, from every angle, with the mention of "Twilight" and "Edward Cullen". The books were never a point of interest to me, until the comparisons of literature caught my attention. The Twilight Saga is being compared to Harry Potter, and Edward Cullen to Mr. Darcy. These are heady comparisons, and being well-versed in literature myself, I decided to read the books.

I will start with the books themselves. They get progressively better as you go, which is a good thing. The characters are well-written and engaging, while the plot leaves a little something to be desired. In my opinion they are not worthy to be classed with literature such J.K. Rowlings HP series. the caliber of writing, the attention to detail, the pure ability to saturate the mind, well, it's just not there. The writing is simplistic, making the books a good option for all readers of many ages, but truthfully, they will only truly ever appeal to women ( and possibly gay men) on a long term basis, since they are written from the perspective of a teenage girl in love. While Stepenie Meyer does an excellent job of communicating the emotions and the thought processes, the atmosphere and the action, and the detail, they leave a very small something to be desired. The only thing that Twilight has in common with Harry Potter is it's almost instant success, which is not enough on it's own to qualify it with the prestige it has been eluded to deserve.

Now, as for Edward Cullen himself. The eternally petulant, over-protective, perpetual 17 year old vampire of stunning good-looks and historical reference. Well, controlling is usually not considered healthy in a relationship, and while circumstances may dictate an amount of it here, I am not impressed. To compare Edward to Darcy is absurd. Mr. Darcy, who is a literary character of note, was proud, but never controlling, and he knew when to keep to himself. He was not suicidal, and did not run away from his love, but instead endeavored to obtain her. He did not push her to the ground, and leave her to wallow in pain. Nor did he constantly endanger her life. The fact that Edward is possessing of the skills to save Bella, does not give him the right to be considered romantic for saving her from things, she should never have been exposed to. Edward Cullen is in my opinion, irresponsible, controlling, and petulant. Not at all in Darcy's class.


These negative opinions are in no way a slight on Ms. Meyer's books. Quite the contrary, I found the saga enjoyable, and am in fact in the process of reading it again. I do feel that, it is teen literature, however, and that it has no place in the comparison class it has been found in.

Roll With It...

Wow, it's been awhile and sooooo much has happened to me in that time. And while it wasn't all fun, it was all for the good. I've now experienced the last piece of the puzzle to squelch my fears. My deep seated fears of falling in love. Now, I'm not in love, but I have finally been duped. Completely taken it, and I've felt that unrelenting pain. Well, it was unrelenting until I let it go. Realizing that I can let it go, with a bit of an overload, but still rather easily, is all I needed. I know that I can survive anything. Anything. And it's really opened my eyes to some things that I've known all along.

I committed to wait for someone a long time ago. My subconscious has always been waiting, and well, it's going to be worth it. I can feel it, in every minute fiber of my being, my soul, I can feel that it will be worth it. However it turns out, it will be what I need to experience. And I am ready to embrace that experience.

I've been hanging with a different group lately, one that I have grown to love beyond reason. Partly because there is a serious lack of the drama with them. I LOVE that. But mostly because I love them, they took me in and treat me like I've always been there. They support me, and it's not like we're close like family, like I am with m older friends (older refers to time not age) if I don't see them or talk to them it's not the end of the world, but it's like we all understand that we need each other, and we respect each other. It's very cool.

On the flip side of that, some other drama is happening with yet another contingent of people I call friends and acquaintances and well, we'll see how that turns out. I'm just not going to overstress it. I've made my preparations, and that's all I can do, if it goes bad, then I'll deal with it, if it doesn't, well then I didn't stres myself out needlessly. At least that's my view.

To quote my roomie, whom I love: "It is what it is".

And now I leave you with a song

"This is War"- Smile Empty Soul

I'm just a normal man
I wouldn't hurt nothing at all
But here we are

Our leaders have a plan
I'd only kill if it's for them
Now here we are

I drove in a car
And flew in a plane
To come to your house
And kick your door in

Now it's down to this
It's just you and me
I'll blow your f*ckin head off
For my country

I go to church and tithe
I go to work in my suit and tie
But this is war

I'm really not sure why
But the TV said that you were wrong
Now here we are

I drove in a car
And flew in a plane
To come to your house
And kick your door in

Now it's down to this
It's just you and me
I'll blow your f*ckin head off
For my country

My feet hurt from the sand
But I still I march on gun in hand
Cause this is war

This isn't what I planned
I wanted to be so much more
But this is war

I drove in a car
And flew in a plane
To come to your house
And kick your door in

Now it's down to this
It's just you and me
I'll blow your f*ckin head off
For my country

My country

The horribly awkward, not quite good, not a totall disaster day...

oh what a day. Was yesterday. Full of all sorts of fun. Drama from one end of the end to the other. Will wonders never cease? lol. I'll begin with an apology to certain people who might end up in trouble for reading this. Sorry, in advance.

Lately I've been feeling really pent up, and it's coming out. In ways that it shouldn't be. I've kind of developed a 'whatever' attitude. Because you see, I'm in pain. I'm sad. I'm angry. And I haven't been talking about it. I've been focusing on other people, and I'm about ready to pop. Just a small little push is all it would take. So reader beware, you have been warned. I think I will play in the rain some this weekend. It usually helps.

So, why was yesterday such a schmorgishboard of fun? Well I'll tell you, it all starts on Tuesday, when I was down at Heartland for a little karaoke fun. In walks his tallness (as he will be refer ed to, not to be confused with the singular him/he) which made my night. I proceeded to flirt with him as I always do, he finally started to flirt back, we made some headway. He wanted to know if I would be out on Thursday, he made it sound like a reason to show. So i did. Let's just say that it didn't go quite like I had hoped, and leave it at that. I will talk to him later, it will be fine.

Earlier on in the day, I received an unexpected visit for him. That was fine. It all turned out well enough, there was phone call later in the day to check on my well being due to a status change (to be covered in the next paragraph). And I didn't feel like talking. So he didn't push it, and instead placed an order. Oh yes, I was at work. Then there was a nice 2hr phone conversation in the wee hours of the morning. In which there was a lot of honesty, and a lot of walls. So be it.

While I was at work the drama began. There was an IM, convo with the bff, and a phone convo with the roomie, and well, it all seems to be working out, but my goodness, was it stressful. I hate being in the middle.

Yesterday was just plan awkward and abnormal, and it was not helped by consumption of the Crown Royal, although that was indeed quite tasty/

On Gas, Cell Phones, and a sickness with no cure...

So, let's just start with this week=crap. Total crap. I know it's only Wednesday, but hey, let's face it. This week sucks, and I don't look for it to get any better. Actually I think it will simply get worse. I suppose that's the pill I chose to swallow. I didn't realize it would be this hard. After all, I knew what to expect, well, sort of, and only in one aspect. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Back to the beginning of things: Last Friday...

I got a message from him. I replied. He read it, and didn't reply. There was nothing abnormal about these messages. Nothing that is, except that he didn't respond...for three days. Three days. Not really that long in normal circumstances. But when you go from talking for three hours(at least) every day to nothing. Well, it's worrying. And worry was exactly what I did.

Monday. I get a message from him. I read it, and I realize every lie I've ever told myself, I hear them replaying in my mind. I hear me saying half truths. I hear me convince myself of them. I read it again. I am flooded by emotions, fear, anger, sadness, betrayal. Most of these are completely irrational. I respond. Short, quick, cold. And my whole world shatters in on itself, and I don't know how this happened. I should've kept a better watch on myself, and maybe, just maybe ( I will never know for sure) I could've kept this from happening. It didn't have to be this way. I numb the pain, block it from my mind, my heart. I ignore it. I won't let it get to me. Just one more lie I told myself. I go to a friends house, heavily armed with Crown and Bailees and there I assault myself with intoxicating liquids, just enough to allow me to feel it. To be in it. To shot about it. To react to it. To die. Getting drunk on a Monday. Not a good sign. I send him another message.

Tuesday. I get a message from him. He allays my fears. And stirs up my confusion. I reply. It's payday. I cash my check. I go to my second job. I head to a friends house. I run out of gas. The truck lurches. The car behind me is a cop. I have a tail light out. Nothing like adding insult to injury. He runs my info. I have an unpaid parking ticket. Which is now a warrant. Great. Pay it or go to jail. There goes my paycheck. I go downtown. I pay my fine. I go to my friends out. I need a gas can. I need a drink. I need to cry. I get the first thing I need. The other two will have to wait. We have a long talk. I know where I am, I know where I am headed, it doesn't take the feelings out of it. It doesn't dull the pain, it makes it worse. I get the help I need with the truck. I go home.

Wednesday. (today). I don't get a message from him. I have something for him, it's his birthday. I go to a job interview. I force the smile, the laid back professionalism. I make witty remarks, and show my intelligence. I flash that smile, and bat those lashes. I leave an excellent impression. He will give me the highest recommendation, with a push for management. I should be thrilled. But my heart is sick. I feel like the life force is draining into my lungs, crushing the air out them, stealing my breath. My heartbeat is slow and painfully loud, laboured. My eyes are dry, they have nothing to cry, they cry silently. I feel like my soul is dying. I go to see about my phone. It's not going to be easy or inexpensive. I can't do anything about that. I have to get it back. I feel like fighting, but my soul is in slow response. I wouldn't win anyway. I go to work. That's where I am. This place is like a torture chamber today.

Survey about me

Name:	Clara
Birthdate:	19850219
Birthplace:	Mississippi
Current Location:	Illinois
Eye Color:	Brown/Gold Hazel
Hair Color:	Borwnish Blondish Reddish
Height:	5'6"
Weight:	155
Piercings:
Tatoos:	one on my back, on on my neck
Boyfriend/Girlfriend:	not at the moment
Overused Phraze:	True That
FAVORITES
Food:	Chicken Parmesean
Candy:	Chocolate
Number:	27
Color:	Red
Animal:	Lynx
Drink:	Sweet Tea
Alcohol Drink:	Baileys on the Rocks
Bagel:&..39;>
Letter:	Q
Body Part on Opposite sex:	Shoulders
This or That
Pepsi or Coke:	Coke
McDonalds or BurgerKing:	BurgerKing
Strawberry or Watermelon:	Watermelon
Hot tea or Ice tea:	Ice
Chocolate or Vanilla	Chocolate
Hot Chocolate or Coffee:	Hot Chocolate
Kiss or Hug:	Both
Dog or Cat:	Cat
Rap or Punk:	neither
Summer or Winter:	Summer
Scary Movies or Funny Movies:	Scary
Love or Money:	Love
YOUR...
Bedtime:	whenever I crash
Most Missed Memory:	times with my dad
Best phyiscal feature:	eyes?
First Thought Waking Up:	what time is it?
Goal for this year:	New job
Best Friends:	Melissa, Brandon, Nate, Christian, Madelyn, Chaz
Weakness:	good looking men on motorcycles
Fears:	being afraid
Heritage:	English, Itallian, Scottish
Longest relationship:	off and on for two years
HAVE YOU...
Ever Drank:	Yep
Ever Smoked:	Yep
Pot:	Yep
Ever been Drunk:	Yep
Ever been beaten up:	No
Ever beaten someone up:	Yep
Ever Shoplifted:	Yep
Ever Skinny Dipped:	Yep
Ever Kissed Opposite sex:	Yep
Been Dumped Lately:	No
IN A GUY/GIRL
Favorite Eye Color:	I like green eyes
Favorite Hair Color:	dark brown
Short or Long:	depends on the guy
Height:	6'0" or taller please
Style:	casual and cooridanted
Looks or Personality:	Both
Hot or Cute
Drugs and Alcohol:	no huge depencies
Muscular or Really Skinny:	I like 'em Lithe
RANDOMS
Number of Regrets in the Past:	0
What country do you want to Visit:	Greece
How do you want to Die:	happy
Been to the Mall Lately:	yeah
Do you like Thunderstorms:	love 'em
Get along with your Parents:	sure do
Health Freak:	eh
Do you think your Attractive:	most days
Believe in Yourself:	always
Want to go to College:	been there, graduated
Do you Smoke:	no
Do you Drink:	yes
Shower Daily:	yeah
Been in Love:	not yet
Do you Sing:	All the time
Want to get Married:	yes
Do you want Children:	yes
Have your future kids names planned out:	two of them
Age you wanna lose your Virginity:	lost it at 18
Hate anyone:
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

when rest becomes a torture chamber how do you recover

It has been a while since I have updated. So here goes. I am having dreams. Some of them are terribly horrible nightmares, some should be pleasant but the real world makes them cut like diamond edged knife. So, I'm not sleeping well. I stay awake till can't stand to awake anymore and I jerk myself out of my dream sleep at least three times a night, and one of those times if not all I'm usually in tears. So if I am or have been cranky, I apologize.

I get myself into the most foolish situations sometimes. I am not a fool, but I still make stupid choices. I hope that soon, I will have a handle on everything going on. I don't feel like going into details. Sorry.

On the flip side. I am now the proud occupant of a CLEAN apartment (if you don't count my bedroom which is the last room on the priority list for cleaning). I have a fantastic new roomie. Some fabulous friends, both old and new, and a lot of promising things coming up in my future. I think. I hope. I believe. It's hard to stay positive these days. I miss my brother. I like being on my own again, but I miss his company. I miss that security that he brought with him, I was never afraid while he was around. I'm sure he will be much happier where he is though, and that is more important.

It would seem that I am in less than good spirits by this post. Which is true to a point, but not really. I am actually really enjoying my life. It's just a hard place right now. Looking forward to getting my next tat. So excited about that.

Not really much else to say I guess, other than to Kayleigh, we need to go take pictures together again soon. k.

A love-hate Relationship...

...with, you guessed it: Myself. Now don't get the wrong idea here, I love myself, who I am, the future I see before me. I have that deep tingle that says my dreams will come true, the one that kind of hums along in the back of your brain as you toil over ridiculously boring tasks day in and day out that makes it all worth it.I love that. I love finally feeling settled. I have moved and moved, and never really been on my own two feet, I've been lost and constantly falling down, and in class, and in a state of apathetic living that, well, to be honest, was somewhat less than flattering (kind of like the 30 pounds I put on in the past 3 years...oh yeah, I said 30). But, somehow, through losing myself in a relationship that I can never really have, I've been able to actually ground the rest of myself.

And when I say ground, I mean really take action, really allow myself the comfort of being happy, even though I'm really sad. Doesn't make sense, I know, but such as it is, well, it is. So. I am looking for a new job, I am going to Hannibal tomorrow to apply at General Mills and Swiss Colonies. Both jobs have good rates of pay and good rates of raises. I have a separate part time job all ready, plus the shop. However, if my dreams that tingle so vividly are really going to come true, then I need a new main job, one that pays above minimum wage, and is full time. days. no night shift for me. I have standards for my next job, something I've never had before. Through this complicated new friendship I've been able to see myself through the complimentary eyes of another, someone who genuinely thinks I am awesome, who hasn't been around me my entire life, someone that doesn't owe me a thing, and well, somehow he gets me. He gets me like no one else does, even when I make no sense he knows what I am saying. And something about that, allows me to believe it when he says I am amazing. And I have needed that, that ability to believe. I lost it somewhere along my bumpy and winding road. He's given it back to me, and as much as I would like to say that he is my new whatever, he isn't. He will probably never be, but he is fast becoming one of my best friends, and right now, he is one of the most important people in my life.

I also love where my art is going. I've been writing songs for awhile, i am going to record the acapella versions of them. I don't have accompaniment. I don't need it. My music is great without it. period. I was recently commissioned to do an art piece, which I finished two days ago, and delivered today. Now, it was friend who commissioned it, but still, it was a great feeling to see her face and know that I got it right, to know that she loved it, to know that I can do my art and live on it. It is also amazing to finally be able to make my own art, with no one else's work staring at me while I copy it down. I can take what's in my head, and put it on canvas or paper, and it's all me. I love, love, love it.

So, you ask me, where's the hate part? The hate part comes in full circle to the he mentioned above. I hate the situation we are in right now, but as I find that I can talk to him openly about it, I am watching my feelings slowly ebb away to the places where they are allowed to be, and that is not him. And I am OK with it, I think I will be more OK than I thought I would. And even if I'm not, I have a great support system in place to keep me up when all I want to do, is collapse. So thanks for that. I also hate that dirty 30 I mentioned in the first paragraph, it may have taken me three years to accumulate that extra, but you better believe it won't take me that long to banish it!!!!

I also have a love/hate thing going on with my job, I hate going to work, but once I get there, it's not so bad. I love my boss, but I hate the monotony of doing the same nothing day after day. I want a job that has me up and on the go, one that will allow me keep up a good metabolism rate, even while I'm work. hmmmm. So I will keep everyone updated on how that goes. I guess that's it.

It's strange to think that just last night, I was morose and angry with myself, embarrassed by my own true feelings, and then simply by honestly talking them out with someone, I feel like I am soooo close to overcoming that barrier, to stepping onto the next block and moving on with my life. And I love it. Even if it means I don't get I want (and I hate that).