Ramblings of a Lyricist

A place for me to write, about my day, about my thoughts, the stories and songs and poems that come from my mind or that inspire me.

YAY YAY YAY!!!!

Ok, so I thought I had lost these stories forever ago, but truth be told. I haven't (YAY YAY YA!!!!) so, I am going to post them here for you to read. This is the beginning of one of my novels entitled "Backstory" it is a compilation of all of my character backgrounds from role playing games (Dungeons and Dragons, Shadowrun, Veren5, Werewolf and Vampire) and I am very excited about finding it again. I will continue to write on it and I will post new chapters as they are finished. I hope you enjoy it!

Backstory: Chapter One

A woman with surpassingly bright purple eyes steps onto the path in front of me. She is faster than I am, and before I can react she slides cold steel into my stomach. Or is it steel? No, it's ice, a cloud of ice. It's draining the life from me, I can't move. I always thought I would panic when it was time for me to die, or that it would happen so quickly I wouldn't even know it had happened. I fall to the ground, only a few yards away from the camp of some one who could help me, a warlock, but he can't see us. The woman smiles at me and sits down. She is going to watch me die...

I look at her from my icy prison, the shards digging through me now, they will shred my insides, but they leave no outward visible mark.

"So, little half-elf. Tell me your story, I'm bored." she says this with a disdain that is uncanny. I've never encountered a person so uncaring. She's killing me for no reason, and now she wants me to entertain her!!!!! But...someone should know my story...

I close my eyes, and take a painful, stinging breath.

"I was born in Validan, the daughter of Theriath Fallan, the Archer Marshall of the Elven Kingdom. My mother was a human, Cathien...I never knew my mothers true last name." my chest clenches and I gasp in pain. She smiles. "When I was four, my mother ran away with another human. She left me with my father..." the pain becomes too much for me as the icy splinters began to burrow into my lungs, and my heart. I double over on the ground, my legs muscles have started to cramp and black spots are popping in and out of my vision. Blood begins to trickle from my mouth, it chokes me. She laughs.

"Perhaps you will be entertaining" her voice is musical, like crystalline bells, it's a beautiful as she is."But save your breath, I will collect your story. I have a journal you see, I like to know the people that I kill." she pulls a small scroll from her pouch and reads it aloud, I don't understand the words, but....

"AAAAAAAAGGGGHHH!!!!!" the scream eviscerates my throat and vocal chords as it is ripped from me, it is the most unendurable agony I have ever felt. There is a hand in my brain! I can feel my memories, draining from me, through my eyes, blood pours through my tear ducts, I see flashes of my family, my friends, my scimitars....

The petite frame of the half-elf girl falls prone, the blood memory drain has finally finished her off. The purple-eyed woman looks down at the scroll, the fresh letters and words that are scrolling there of their own will are written in the dead girls blood. The woman blows on the sinister ink to make sure it doesn't smudge, she settles herself across from the dead body at the foot of tree. She begins to read:

---------

The sun-light cut through the heavy forest canopy on that late summer afternoon giving a golden edge to the leaves that were already bursting out with autumn hues. A butterfly lifted itself up into the gentle breeze that caused the trees to dance and sway in contentment. And then the quiet was shattered as squirrels and birds rushed to get higher, chattering and scolding amidst the scratching and flapping of wings, and under it all was a wailing that chilled the heart.

That wailing originated from the small but powerful lungs of a young girl. She appeared to be around ten years old, and she was weeping. Each string of tears was accompanied by that deep and harrowing call that was almost a scream and punctuated with dry, retching sobs. The girl is curled on the moss covered roots of a very old and gnarled tree. Her hair, which seems to change from gold to a fierce orange-red depending on how the light hits it, hangs in tangles and knots around her knees which are currently supporting her shoulders and her entire body is heaving in and out as she cries, accented by a continuous trembling. It seems her body is weary of such pain and as she tires her wailing becomes hoarse and quiet until it is no more than a strangled moan, and then small quiet sobbing. A man steps out of the trees in front of her and gazes at her intently.

"Sedara" his voice is smooth and deep, but not low. He speaks softly to her, and kneels down, placing a hand on her head.

She looks up at his touch, her porcelain face is a checkerboard of red splotches and dirty tear streaks that lead to her shocking grey-green eyes.

"Why?" her voice squeaks with the singular word and she topples sideways into the man, who opens his arms to receive her. For a moment they both just sit and listen to the rustle of returning wildlife. The little girl has finally stopped crying and she seems to be at peace there, in the mans arms.

"I don't know." his answer is soft and yet solid.

"Will she come back?"

"No, Sedara, honey. It's been six years, I know that doesn't seem very long to you or I, but you mother is a human, and six years is long enough for her to simply forget and move on." He hugs the child close to him, and then begins to gently rake his fingers through her mass of tangles, smoothing out her hair. She sits and allows him to comb out her hair, and she seems comfortable, like this is something they have done before.

"I love you dad." she whispers.

---------------

A small trickle of blood trails down from an autumn colored hair-line, leaving a sticky red line in the dust that covers Sedara's face. Her training scimitars lay just out of reach having flown out of her hands when she fell after taking that blow to the head from the weapons master.

"Remember that aggression is never the best way to win a battle, young one." The buttery voice of Zerilin the Weapons Master of Validan floated over Sedara as she lay in dirt. She felt her cheeks flush with embarrassment at her overzealous mistake.

"I will remember, Weapons Master." she said softly but firmly as she lifted herself off the ground. Zerilin reached towards her face, his hands beginning to form the signs of healing in the air.

"No." she whispered, and he froze, his concentration broken, a look a bemused puzzlement on his face. "I wish to wear the scar, so that I can be reminded of this lesson."

"It will be one of the most valuable lessons you will ever learn. Good day young apprentice." his eyes smiled, even though his voice had gone flat with dissaproval of her choice. She watched him saunter away, and raised a hand to the cut on her forehead wiping away the already drying line of blood. She felt the small wound with her fingertips, wincing as it stung. Then she gathered her weapons and turned on her heel abruptly. The other students watched as she slowly left the training grounds, they were in awe of her, and her candor with the Master. She didn't notice.

----------



Koraine stood up from in between two large roots at the base of the tree and stretched herself. Her long black hair rippled into place over her silver tinted, custom formed feyleather armor. She carefully rolled the blood-inked scroll and replaced it in her pack and surveyed the dead girl in front of her. What to do with her now? she thought. She looked at her surroundings, the lush forest was full of places for her to easily hide her latest quarry, but somehow it just didn't seem fitting. Or entertaining, for that matter.

The crackling sound of small feet on the underbrush made her look up. A young boy was running to the nearby warlocks camp She smiled to herself, the warlock was more than entertaining, he was interesting. Well, his small companion was interesting, he was actually rather bland. However, one does what one must to achieve her goals. The girl was a traveling companion of his. The thought broke in her brain like a refreshing wave, she bent over the form of the little ranger and hauled her up over her shoulders. As quietly as possible she took her macabre package to the bass of a tree that faced the warlocks camp where she arranged the body into a gruesome imitation of a ranger on watch. And now to wait. Again she smiled to herself, getting this creature was going to be fun, she could tell.

Koraine swung her lithe body up into a lower branch of the tree her spiritless companion now leaned on. She thought of the warlock and how he had walked into that dilapidated hell-hole of a tavern and everyone noticed. It was like someone had come in waving a treasure chest over their head. All because he was talking to a ferret looking creature. Such a magnificent creature! she shifted her weight on the branch and leaned forward to lay over her victim.

While she waited, she began to think back over her own life. The dead half-elf's story had prompted her own memories. She was also from the Kingdom of the Elves, quite close to Validan actually. Only in proximity, in truth Validan was worlds apart from Serath the capital city center of the Eladrin. And her family had been it's shinning star, her father Kilthlan sat at the head of the council of Eladrin. He spoke visions for the future, he saw things, and could interpret them and many came to him for guidance. Her mother, Nicaley was a gifted healer, she was sought far and wide, by Eldarin and every other race on the planet for her skill. But the pride and joy of both of her parents had been Koraine and Nielith, their twin girls.

Nielith was the older girl, her moon hung delicately over her right eye, and her golden hair curled around her exquisite feature. Koraine was around three minutes younger than Nielith, and she was her opposite in appearance: Black hair that hung in waves instead of curls, fair skin instead of olive-toned, and her deep purple eyes shown just a little too brightly, and were much more attention catching than her sisters sapphire blue ones. Perhaps the strangest difference had to be that Koraines tell-tale Eladrin moon mark hung in silver highlights in her hair rather than coming to appear on her skin as was the usual occurrence.

In personality they were different as well. Koraine was a fighter, she loved the feel of a longsword in her hands, but she excelled at the quarterstaff, and her focus in learning to wield the feywild magic had been in combat. Nielith was a peaceful creature, she took her delight in simple things, like gardening and weaving, but above all she was a songstress, a minstrel of sorts and her focus of the feywild was in that area. When she sang and told tales the entire audience would fall into a trance and Koraine had loved to listen to her older sister. She would come home at night and beg her for tales, and Nielith would laugh gaily and then settle into her bed across the room and spin the most magical tales of heroism and adventure for her sister. Koraine never made it to the end of these night time tales, she would drift to sleep somewhere in the middle and let the heroes and villains wander in and out of her dreams. She never told her sister, but it was the villains who were her favorites, they always seemed to have so much more power, they were just short on luck and sometimes, very short on skill. She would never have those problems, but she desired the power those evil men and women wielded more than anything else she could think of.

Koraine was sitting among the other young people of Serath, listening to her sisters latest creation. Nieliths voice spun out and through the ears and imaginations of her audience. It was a violent tale, a knight had come to kill the Eldarin king of old, the King was backed into a corner and the knight was preparing to land a killing stroke. Koraine felt a tingle in her brain, as the knight lifted his broadsword in the story, Koraine lifted her hand, and the air turned to ice. Nieliths eyes widened in terror and pain as she was surrounded by the chill air and then penetrated by it in fast moving splinters. Her eyes locked with Koraines, and her face paled as Koraine smiled sweetly at her. Nielith opened her mouth and the shards of frozen air rushed to fill the space. Blood gushed from between Nieliths lips, Koraine felt herself began to laugh, it was as if she were watching everything happen in slow motion. Someone screamed.

Koraines parents came running, her father spoke and the ice dissipated. Her mother rushed to Nielith. After three days of constant treatment, Nicoley emerged from her daughters side.

"She will live." her eyes bore into Koraine with a mixture of horror, sympathy, hate and love"But she will never speak again, I couldn't save her tongue."

Koraine watched as her mother turned on her heel and went back to her ailing daughter, then she turned her gaze to her father. His face looked as though it were made of stone. His eyes glazed over Koraine, as if she didn't exist. So Koraine fled his presence to sort out her feelings. I have to go. I don't belong here, I don't look like them, and I smiled when my sister was in danger. I put her in danger. And I felt like laughing. The realization had been too much. Koraine then gathered up her belongings, and without trying to hide it, she walked out of the family home. Past her mother in her sisters room, and past her rather, who still looked like a statue. She never saw them again.

She had traveled among the kingdoms of the Eladrin at first, for close to thirty years, she learned the magical arts, and mastered a weapon or two. But everywhere she went she could not escape her longing for more. Her need to hurt. So she had left the kingdom. And wandered into Orkney, and now, after 25 years of waiting, it seemed her life was going to get interesting.

The child had finished speaking to the warlock, and so Koraine sat up. As he turned in her direction she smiled. He looked at his traveling companion, and then up, at Koraine. She laughed and smiled for him. Then she joined him on the path. That creature would soon be hers. Her purple eyes sparkled gleefully at the thought as she walked down the path, she turned to look behind her only once more, and winked playfully at the corpse of the half-elf girl, Sedara as if to say "It seems you weren't so important to him after all."

Triumph

A moment of Triumph
That should have been
Becomes something
Humiliating instead
The blandest lyrics
Can inspire a melody
But music’s blood
Is not as sustaining
As it should be
Like a song that’s not quite right
Or a tossing and turning night
When the horrors break through
Refusing to let you go
Upside down is all you know
Such a roar of quiet sounds
Stillness in the mind
Resounding balance
That is hard to find
Lying or speaking truth
Neither one can soothe
When embarrassment
Replaces the moment
Long awaited
Now abated
Unresolved and perplexing
Provides inspiration
Rather than gratification
What should have been
Becomes what not yet is
Recycling a blush
The world is upside down again

Full Bodied

Well, this is it. My very first Christmas away from home. And let's start this mostly positive speal off with the negative and get it out of the way. I'm in a great deal of pain. I have what I like to think of (not experience) as a full body headache, meaning everything from my pinky toe to my shoulder blades HURTS. Why? I have no idea, but let me tell you, this constant ache is making my spirits falter, not from any lack of enjoyment, but from shear exhaustion, it's draining to function day in and day out with this kind of pain. I've had it for almost a week, and no medication that I have tried even touches it. *sigh* oh well, moving on

Today has been a day of highs of lows, the highs all being this morning, the lows started this afternoon. With my love gone off to work, I acknowledge my pain more, and it's distracting. I'm making my first Christmas dinner, while cleaning the house, and I decided to bake the cake first so it would have time to cool, so, naturally, I spilled about half the dry mix all over the kitchen. WONDERFUL. This crap, is a pain in the ass to clean up off of literally surface in the room, but I managed it. I cut the recipe in half, added a couple of new ingredients, and the cake is cooling on the counter as I type this (while I should be starting the laundry I might add) and it smells mouthwatering. So that's one disaster avoided.

Now all that's left is to do the laundry, straighten up the living room, bedroom and bathroom. Make the potatoes, the rolls, the veggies, the glaze and put the ham in the oven. Take a shower, and get myself all pretty for tonight's festivities. Did I mention I have about three hours in which to make this happen. Yeah. Gtg.

oh

Merry Christmas Everyone!

I've been Tagged....

Okay so here's how it goes. You take your music player (whether it be your ipod, MP3, computer, CD player, etc.) and put it on shuffle. Then you answer its question with a different song that popped up while it was on shuffle. Then you'll tag some other people. Please give the reason why you're tagging them. Here's mine, this is pretty cool:



Are you male or female? Scared- Three Days Grace

What do people feel when they are around you? Everything I Am - DJ Premiere

Describe your current relationship? Blood and Whiskey- Dropkick Murphys (hehehe)

Where would you like to be right now? Reality- Newsboys (uh...)

How do you feel about love? Until the End- SevenD2

Whats your life like? This Is Who You Are- Trans Siberian Orchestra

What would you wish for if you only had one wish? Take Me Away- Avril Lavigne

Say something wise? Heaven- Louis Armstrong, Ella Fitzgerald and Frank Sinatra

If someone says "Is this okay. . ." You say? Liberate- Disturbed

How would you describe yourself? I Won't Say I'm in Love- Hercules Soundtrack

How do you feel today? Shine On- Rascal Flats

What is your life's purpose? I Put a Spell on You- CCR (lol)

What is your motto? Angel of Music- Phantom of the Opera

What do your friends think of you? Baby Got Back- Sir Mix Alot (ahahahahahahahaha)

What do you think of your parents? Lovely- Deep Side

What do you think of very often? Camisado- Panic! at the Disco

What is 2+2? A Rose For The Dead- Nightwish

What do you think of your best friend? A Tree for My Bed- John Williams (Jurassic Park)

What is you life story? The Nearness of You- Norah Jones

What do you want to be when you grow up? Playing God- Paramore

What will you dance to at your wedding? Like a Boss- The Lonely Island (OMG!)

What will they play at your funeral? Prodigal- OneRepublic

What is your hobby/interest? My Friend's Over You- New Found Glory

What is your biggest fear? In the Still of the Night- The Five Satins

What is your biggest secret? Come What May- Ewan McGregor (Moulin Rouge)

What do you think of your friends? Come on Over- Shania Twain

---------------
Well, that's it. Some of it almost makes sense, but mostly it made me giggle.

Le'Andra- because I want to know what your playlist will do

Gus- Just Because

Esther- you do the music thing

Luke- Yeah, you know why.

Coming in out of the cold

Winter. Brrrr. I hate this weather, and the shorter days and to be honest I haven't enjoyed the Christmas holidays or even looked forward to them in going on 6 years. But THIS year. This year, everything is different. You know, I think I might actually learn to enjoy Christmas music again? Weird. Now, don't get me wrong I still hate the contemporary, whiny, depressing, obnoxious ballads. But the old stuff, the crooner stuff, the Nat King Cole, Frank Sinatra, Trans Siberian Orchestra stuff, yeah, that I can dig. I went shopping with my mom for decorations and a tree, and it was fun. I hate shopping, but this was cool, it's strange really. This year, I've realized a few things about myself.

1. I've been depressed, mildly, but still depressed. I didn't even know. I mean, I pay a fair amount of attention to myself, to my mental state, but I didn't even catch it. I knew I was unhappy, but, not the extent of that unhappiness.

2. I've been a major drag on the holidays. To my family, my friends, to everyone. I've been almost malicious. Sorry about that.

3. Not to be totally off topic, but the fight in Obsessed, is pretty damn good. I'm impressed.

So, you ask. What's so different about this year? And my answer? Everything. Most notably, my emotional state of euphoria. There are several reasons for that, not the least of them being finally taking the time to take stock of my life, to see what I've been putting up with, who I've been dealing with, the people in my life that are toxic to my state of well being. The habits, the things I've participated in that have aided in my own self destruction. These things, these people, are no longer a part of me. I've been able to find my true base of friends, realize who it is that I actually miss and who I don't care to re-invite into my daily life. I've settled into my self again, the happy, buoyant, logical, creative, inquisitive, confident, caring woman that I have always been, underneath all that pain that I held on to for so long. But do you know the best part of all this change? The biggest and most fulfilling thing that has ever happened to me in my life? Well, that's easy....

Christian.

He is as much a part of my transformation as I am. I love him. More than I know how to say, and it's absolutely wonderful. I am looking forward to building my life with him, to making our home together, and it all starts in 5Th gear this Saturday. Two days from now, I will no longer be coming home to my mom, but to my love and he will come home to me (scary huh?) and this winter, well, thanks to him, it just might not be so cold. :)

All the things in Never

Never say Never
because you Never know
Oh the faces
On the People
In the places
You'll Never go

Never say Never
but say that I said
It's weird to discover
that things still fit

Never say Never
because you Never can tell
which little slip up
will land you in the well

Never say Never
because language
is not a tasty dish
Words are for saying
that way they are more fun

Never say Never
and Never let it die
Set backs and draw backs
should be looked in the eye
Try not to regret
or your past will lead your life

Never say Never
and do not shy from strife
Embrace the surprises
that life throws your way
Going back on Never,
could make you very happy some day


-------------------

So, I've been doing a lot of thinking, and a lot of talking too. To people who thought that what I'm doing, is something I would never do. To be honest, I agreed with them, effectively most of the time. It's funny how things turn out, I guess. But I am getting tired of the disappointed sighs when I tell people I'm moving back again. Granted most of friends are thrilled about it, but still, there is twinge of distaste. I really never wanted, to go back to that place. But, I've set the wheels in motion, and I'm happier than ever, I've made a few changes that will leave a sour taste in some mouths, but for me, it's going to be better. And that is what I have to do, to be able to live with this choice. I have to make some changes, break some habits, cut out some people, and live with it. Part of me feels bad for doing things this way, but most of me is logical enough to get over it. I don't really know how to express the things that I am feeling. But someday, I suppose it will all be overlooked, by some one Else's drama, or a maturity of minds. The later would be nice, but it is the least likely. And isn't that a little sad? I think it is.

Anyway, it's hard to defend my actions to the people mentioned above, and most of me is of the mind that I shouldn't have to anyway. It feels weird to me, all of this change. But it's for the better, I can tell. I just, I don't know what to say sometimes, and that makes me feel unstable. Words have always been my choice expression, so when they fail me, I feel off balance. I guess I should just not care, what society has to say about my choices. I never have before, so why start now? Good question.

Third

So the results are in for the 3rd contest on FirstLineFiction. I took third this time. Hooray! It's gratifying to place again. I love having stuff to write about that is guaranteed a read. Although, I have to say that the story that placed 2nd is one I didn't care for at all and that stings a bit, but congrats to them anyway. Anywho... if you are interested in reading my story from this contest, well, it's below. Enjoy!


The Review


I read about it in the paper, in the subway, on my way to work.
“A delicate dance on the tongue.” That was what the review said about my ex-husbands new Merlot. I couldn’t believe it he had actually done it. I stared at the black phone on my desk like it was the killer in a b-list horror movie, stunned at the news. I don’t know how long I sat there, in my 22nd floor corner office staring at my phone. It could have been no longer than a minute, or it could have been three hours, the only thing I knew was that it would ring, and so I stared; waiting for the call that would inevitably come, but never did.
For years he had talked about owning a vineyard, it was his lifelong dream. Ever since that vacation in California when he was six, he never forgot the smell of the grapes or the way the sun shone over the fields like a blessing. It was childish awe that never left him; I used to love that about him. Me? I loved numbers. In school I excelled in math and history, I never forgot a formula or a date; I was in Advanced Placement programs and a member of the mathletes tournament squad. I was a geek. By the time high school came around I was severely aware of my social status, I was not aware that I was pretty until college. Pretty. No one had ever called me that until I came stumbling out of the science building my freshman year, tripping over the bag I just dropped on the ground. He caught me.
“Careful pretty one.” He said. Then he just walked away, leaving me staring after him thinking pretty? That was ten years ago, it took me a full semester to find him. All I knew was that he was an artist, because he was covered in splattered paint. I knew it was stupid of me to stalk the art buildings the way I did, but I was compelled, I couldn’t help it. I needed to know what he had meant by that. When I finally did find him on the second day of finals, it was in the Quad, not the art building, and when I wasn’t looking for him, naturally. I was looking at my feet, trying to master an advanced calculus theory in my head when I heard his voice. I don’t know what he was saying, or who he was saying it too, but my subconscious knew that voice. I looked up from the ground and froze. There he was, the artist, right in front of me. My feet carried me to him without my consent and I stared. He stared back with a confused expression.
“Pretty?” I finally asked.
“What?” was his confused reaction.
“You called me pretty once. Do you really think that?”
“Think what?”
“That I’m pretty?”
“Well yeah.” He laughed then so easily, unaffected by awkwardness. “Why wouldn’t I?” I fell in love with him on the spot, he was everything that I wasn’t, and everything I wanted in life. I think he knew it too.

The sudden knock on my office door brought me back to the present, and forced me to look away from my phone. My secretary came in carrying a small rectangular package; she didn’t say a word as she placed it on my desk. I think she has always been sensitive to the moods of other people, and she sensed that I didn’t want to be disturbed. I watched her walk out the door, closing it softly behind her before I turned my shell shocked attention to the green box. I knew I wasn’t ready to open it, some instinct told me that I should ignore this unexpected arrival. If only I was good at trusting my instincts, instead I pulled it to me with hands that trembled, and without bothering to read the label I tore the green paper of the box, opened it, and looked inside.
It was a wine bottle. An empty wine bottle. The light from my window glinted on the thick green glass as I turned it to read the label. De La Fin Merlot 1999, and suddenly I was laughing: hysterically. 1999, the year of our divorce, “La Fin” the end in French and the last two words he ever spoke to me on the day our divorce was final. I laughed so hard I started to cry, and then to hyperventilate. I fell to the floor, the muscles in my knees refusing to support my shuddering, swaying weight any longer, and there I cried softly into the carpet beneath my desk, clutching the empty bottle to my chest.
I could hear his voice in my head, and mine.
“Come on honey, what’s so bad about California?” his eyes sparkled that day with a playful mask to feel me out, like they had so many times before when he was unsure of my response.
“There’s nothing wrong with California, I just don’t want to live there.” I said back, exasperated with the argument, we’d had it so many times before. “I know why you want to go to California, you want to open your own vineyard” I practically spit the word “you want to play with grapes and dirt all day.” I rolled my eyes, serious now in my argument; adamantly against his dreams in my own insecurity, so afraid to lose him to a business.
He stared at me for a moment. His eyes full of hurt and long sadness. Then he spoke.
“I can’t do this anymore.” His voice was so soft it was almost a whisper, the pain evident in his articulation. “I love you, but I can’t fight with you about our life anymore. I know you’re afraid, but you won’t let me in. You won’t let me help; you barely let me love you. I just can’t do this anymore.”
“What do you mean?” My voice seemed too loud
“I’m going to California, with or without you. I want you to come, I don’t want to leave you, but I can’t fight with you anymore, it tears me up. I can’t wait for you to be ready to live anymore.” Tears fell now from his glorious blue eyes.
“You’re going? You’ll leave me here?” disbelief made my voice small, and then the pain kicked in and I went from scared to angry. “THEN WHY DON’T YOU JUST LEAVE NOW!” I screamed the words, practically shrieking, and then with cold malice as the tears came “Just pack your bags and go. I’ll leave so you can have some privacy, but don’t be here when I get back. Don’t come back. Just go.”
He watched me walk away in silence, his face frozen in confusion; one hand reaching for me as I slammed the door.
I went downtown, and found a lawyer. The papers were drawn up within the week, and he was served within the month. The court appearance was a formality, everything had been peacefully divided and decided, and we just needed the judge to make it official. I felt both heavy and empty as we said our goodbyes on the steps.
“Well, now you can go, you can leave me and not worry because I will fine. Free to make my own way now.” I said
“I didn’t want this, I DON’T want this.” He said
“Well, this is what you get, in exchange for your dream. I hope it’s worth it, although I don’t think you have a chance.” I laughed then, cold, hard, and short. “Tell you what. The day you make your wine a success, if I’m not married, I’ll remarry you and come to California. You just give me a call.” I rolled my eyes as I said the last, so sure that he would never be any good at it, so certain that my word would never be tested.
“I will.” He whispered, and it sounded like a promise. “I guess this is it, then.”
“What?”
“La Fin.” And he turned and walked away from me.
I trembled as he walked away, I knew I would never see him again, never hear his voice again or feel his hand in mine. I knew it was my fault. “La Fin” I whispered to his retreating form before slowly walking down the steps to my car. I forced myself not to cry until I was home, alone, safe.
The sharp pain in my head returned my focus to the present. I looked up and saw that I had slid under my desk and hit my head on the back. My fingers ached with the force I was using to grip the empty bottle. The cruel reminder of what I had given up. What I would never again have. I wondered if was laughing to himself, congratulating himself on such fiendish creativity. It was so unexpected, he had never been cruel. Not even to my self-absorbed parents who had disapproved my choice in him from the very beginning, he was never anything but kind and warm and polite.
“He was” I whispered. My voice sounded dead in the office, surreal and not correct. I didn’t sound like me. The sobs came again, dry and heaving, but quiet, like they knew they weren’t welcome, but couldn’t help themselves. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew I was missing something, a meeting, or a conference call, but try as it might, it couldn’t force its way up to the surface, it was not match for my despair.
“I don’t want to do this anymore.” I said the words at full voice as I realized that I had just been biding my time, waiting for him to come crawling back to me. Ten years I had wasted, and now it was over, now he was laughing at me. Like he knew I was waiting for him, missing him, even though I didn’t know it myself, and it must have been funny to him. I could hear his laughter in my head. I scooted out from under my desk, still clutching the bottle. Its green glass caught the sun again, glinting in my eyes. I flinched away from its brightness and blinked. How long was I under there? I thought to myself. I sat up on the floor and looked up at the window. How the sun shone through it, highlighting the streaks that the cleaning solution left.
I was up and moving before it really registered. Watching myself from above, as if I were dreaming, I opened the window and climbed onto the ledge. I could hear the music from our wedding playing in my head as I took the final step, Pachelbel's Cannon in D. As I fell, everything seemed to slow to the rhythm of the dirge-like march, my hair whipped around my face, freeing itself from the tight pins that normally held it back. My shoes fell off and went past me, urgently trying to reach the ground. I could see the people below me, looking up. Someone screamed, a woman, their looks of horror were almost comical, and then there was only pain, for an excruciating moment I felt it all. The heartbreak, the broken bones, the blood oozing from my head, the glass from the wine bottle that I still held, breaking through my skin, and that was it.
The clock on the office wall ticked the seconds by as the wind blew across the desk, ruffling papers. The computer buzzed normally and when the knock sounded, it echoed and absorbed in its usual way. On the desk, there was still the box, but unlike the wine bottle, it was not empty. There in the bottom was a single diamond ring taped to a small note. “Marry me” was all it said.
Below on the street a single mother dialed the paramedics and reported a suicide, she knew already that it was too late to save the pretty woman who had jumped or fallen from the building. She wondered to herself what would make a woman like that want to die. There was a ring of spectators now, and when the ambulance came blaring up most of the people from the office building had joined the ring. So many people were crying. The woman who had made the call noted each grief stricken face in the crowd as she made her report to first the paramedic and then the police officer who had arrived only moments after the ambulance. She had a strange sensation as she took it all in, looking once more at the women as she was covered and then lifted from the sidewalk. Her spine tingled and she looked up.
The black phone on the desk lit up on the side, a green flashing light, once, twice, three times, and then rang. It rang again, and once more, before going to voice mail.
“I love you” was all he said to her before hanging up in disappointment. He didn’t know about his lover, who had jumped from her window in despair because she had lost him, but he would read about it, in a cab, on his way to work, in tomorrow’s paper.