Coming in out of the cold

Winter. Brrrr. I hate this weather, and the shorter days and to be honest I haven't enjoyed the Christmas holidays or even looked forward to them in going on 6 years. But THIS year. This year, everything is different. You know, I think I might actually learn to enjoy Christmas music again? Weird. Now, don't get me wrong I still hate the contemporary, whiny, depressing, obnoxious ballads. But the old stuff, the crooner stuff, the Nat King Cole, Frank Sinatra, Trans Siberian Orchestra stuff, yeah, that I can dig. I went shopping with my mom for decorations and a tree, and it was fun. I hate shopping, but this was cool, it's strange really. This year, I've realized a few things about myself.

1. I've been depressed, mildly, but still depressed. I didn't even know. I mean, I pay a fair amount of attention to myself, to my mental state, but I didn't even catch it. I knew I was unhappy, but, not the extent of that unhappiness.

2. I've been a major drag on the holidays. To my family, my friends, to everyone. I've been almost malicious. Sorry about that.

3. Not to be totally off topic, but the fight in Obsessed, is pretty damn good. I'm impressed.

So, you ask. What's so different about this year? And my answer? Everything. Most notably, my emotional state of euphoria. There are several reasons for that, not the least of them being finally taking the time to take stock of my life, to see what I've been putting up with, who I've been dealing with, the people in my life that are toxic to my state of well being. The habits, the things I've participated in that have aided in my own self destruction. These things, these people, are no longer a part of me. I've been able to find my true base of friends, realize who it is that I actually miss and who I don't care to re-invite into my daily life. I've settled into my self again, the happy, buoyant, logical, creative, inquisitive, confident, caring woman that I have always been, underneath all that pain that I held on to for so long. But do you know the best part of all this change? The biggest and most fulfilling thing that has ever happened to me in my life? Well, that's easy....

Christian.

He is as much a part of my transformation as I am. I love him. More than I know how to say, and it's absolutely wonderful. I am looking forward to building my life with him, to making our home together, and it all starts in 5Th gear this Saturday. Two days from now, I will no longer be coming home to my mom, but to my love and he will come home to me (scary huh?) and this winter, well, thanks to him, it just might not be so cold. :)