I don't know

So, I have a concussion. A moderate one. It's thrown off my sense of balance. So now, I am just as off-balance physically as I am mentally and emotionally. Hooray for the Irony of it all.

It's funny how I keep discovering things about myself. Like choosing a career path. A grown up one. I never thought that would happen. Ever. But sometimes apathy is the greatest motivator. I am today, just that. Apathetic. Thoughtful. Motivated. Well, not-quite. I don't even know.

I find myself face to face with my thoughts, my thoughts that no matter what I do to distract myself, who I find to distract me, keep circling around him. Even when he says things that hurt me, it's funny because it's not an abusive kind of hurt, it's more like acceptance. There are no secrets there, no qualms about what we want, just the facts of the situation. I know I need to let go. I keep trying. But he's always there in the back of my mind, well, more like the middle of mind, dead center, to be exact. I know there is no point in running it over and over in my head, about going through things and thinking about how different it could be. I need to let go. I have to let go. I have to trust that if it's right, it will happen in it's own time. I'm just so afraid that if I bow out, it will be the final curtain call. And I will lose.

And then there is always the possibility that loosing will help me win. I wish I understood this empty space I have. This constant ache. It's so foreign to me. So strange to need someone. I've always been content in myself. But not lately, no lately I find myself falling into a hole that has formed inside myself. I wonder then if that hole is because I've gone so far from God. But I'm a skeptic see. Even though I've witnessed miracles, been around for life-changing moments. I've felt the peace of God, but I still can't quite reconcile the idea that this physical ache I have can be fulfilled by spiritual stability. I really need to talk to someone about this. But I don't know who to try to communicate it to. Or at all. I don't know.

People seem to miss me. I suppose I have been gone in a way for awhile. More like around. I've been avoiding people. I do that when I get like this. It's nothing personal. It's just part of my make-up I suppose.