...with, you guessed it: Myself. Now don't get the wrong idea here, I love myself, who I am, the future I see before me. I have that deep tingle that says my dreams will come true, the one that kind of hums along in the back of your brain as you toil over ridiculously boring tasks day in and day out that makes it all worth it.I love that. I love finally feeling settled. I have moved and moved, and never really been on my own two feet, I've been lost and constantly falling down, and in class, and in a state of apathetic living that, well, to be honest, was somewhat less than flattering (kind of like the 30 pounds I put on in the past 3 years...oh yeah, I said 30). But, somehow, through losing myself in a relationship that I can never really have, I've been able to actually ground the rest of myself.
And when I say ground, I mean really take action, really allow myself the comfort of being happy, even though I'm really sad. Doesn't make sense, I know, but such as it is, well, it is. So. I am looking for a new job, I am going to Hannibal tomorrow to apply at General Mills and Swiss Colonies. Both jobs have good rates of pay and good rates of raises. I have a separate part time job all ready, plus the shop. However, if my dreams that tingle so vividly are really going to come true, then I need a new main job, one that pays above minimum wage, and is full time. days. no night shift for me. I have standards for my next job, something I've never had before. Through this complicated new friendship I've been able to see myself through the complimentary eyes of another, someone who genuinely thinks I am awesome, who hasn't been around me my entire life, someone that doesn't owe me a thing, and well, somehow he gets me. He gets me like no one else does, even when I make no sense he knows what I am saying. And something about that, allows me to believe it when he says I am amazing. And I have needed that, that ability to believe. I lost it somewhere along my bumpy and winding road. He's given it back to me, and as much as I would like to say that he is my new whatever, he isn't. He will probably never be, but he is fast becoming one of my best friends, and right now, he is one of the most important people in my life.
I also love where my art is going. I've been writing songs for awhile, i am going to record the acapella versions of them. I don't have accompaniment. I don't need it. My music is great without it. period. I was recently commissioned to do an art piece, which I finished two days ago, and delivered today. Now, it was friend who commissioned it, but still, it was a great feeling to see her face and know that I got it right, to know that she loved it, to know that I can do my art and live on it. It is also amazing to finally be able to make my own art, with no one else's work staring at me while I copy it down. I can take what's in my head, and put it on canvas or paper, and it's all me. I love, love, love it.
So, you ask me, where's the hate part? The hate part comes in full circle to the he mentioned above. I hate the situation we are in right now, but as I find that I can talk to him openly about it, I am watching my feelings slowly ebb away to the places where they are allowed to be, and that is not him. And I am OK with it, I think I will be more OK than I thought I would. And even if I'm not, I have a great support system in place to keep me up when all I want to do, is collapse. So thanks for that. I also hate that dirty 30 I mentioned in the first paragraph, it may have taken me three years to accumulate that extra, but you better believe it won't take me that long to banish it!!!!
I also have a love/hate thing going on with my job, I hate going to work, but once I get there, it's not so bad. I love my boss, but I hate the monotony of doing the same nothing day after day. I want a job that has me up and on the go, one that will allow me keep up a good metabolism rate, even while I'm work. hmmmm. So I will keep everyone updated on how that goes. I guess that's it.
It's strange to think that just last night, I was morose and angry with myself, embarrassed by my own true feelings, and then simply by honestly talking them out with someone, I feel like I am soooo close to overcoming that barrier, to stepping onto the next block and moving on with my life. And I love it. Even if it means I don't get I want (and I hate that).
0 comments:
Post a Comment