The Antics of Fear

So, the other night I was totally immersed in this book Time of the Twins from the Dragonlance chronicles, and I'm in the middle of the very descriptive paragraph about how this guys skin is crawling...and I feel something crawling on my arm. It's a spider, a big looking one. According I freak out, throw the book across the room, and proceed the smack myself in the arm for about thirty seconds until I am sure the damn thing is gone. Now, under normal circumstances a daddy long legs wouldn't bother me in the least. But perhaps those of you who are readers will understand this outburst.
And then last night, I was trying to hang with a friend of mine who I know is having a pretty rough time right now, and that I haven't seen in awhile. So I call, and call, and call. Finally I decide that her cell phone must be off and that I have been dialing the wrong home phone number. So I just head over to her moms house, where she is staying temporarily, and her cars not there. So I go check at her apartment, no car there either, so I check at her work, no car, and then in desperation I go to her husbands work, and he tells me she is at her moms, and that he has the car. This makes sense. So I go back to her moms house, walk up the drive-way, and there she is sitting at the table, I can see her through the window. I knock, no answer. I look through the window, she's not there. I knock again, a little louder. No answer. I wait, maybe she is just being slow. Not the case. I knock again, no answer. So I leave her a note tapped to the door and leave. And now I am wondering WTF? did I do something to make her angry with me? Is everything ok? Why is she ignoring me? She wasn't, the situation has been resolved.

However, these two occurrences leave me wondering a little bit about fear, about being afraid. Twice I was afraid in a way, not a debilitating fear, but still fear. Since I am not really afraid of much, it struck me as odd. And now, it leaves me thinking. Which is never a good thing. I don't really have a point to this, btw, I'm just rambling.

blog blog blog

hmmmm...lets see. Have you ever met someone that had an instant impact on your thoughts? Be it because you think they are cute, or they said something profound, or did something remarkable, or whatever.? No matter what it was, even if you only really saw them or spoke with them for a few minutes you just knew you would never forget that person? It's quite the interesting sensation. And no, I will not say more about the person who inspired that. Don't ask. (unless you are one of those few people who I will talk to about it, and you should know who you are).

Last weekend was amazing. period. hands-down. amazing. JaX HaT Ulitmate tournament, 5 games of Ultimate, six teams, one rockin campground party, and around 100 flat out awesome people all there to have a good time, play some disk, drink a little, meet new people, and catch up with good friends. Freakin sweet. Can't wait for SoIll, that's Southern Illinois in Carbondale, Tournament in September. Of course there is the normal I'm sore, and a few minor injuries (twisted ankles, a couple of bruises, some mystery cuts, oozing blister on my heel) but if I came home in perfect condition I wouldn't have had any fun!! lol. so, all in all, a great time.

And just to prove it:

this is what's happening...just so you know :)

Let's see, it's been awhile, and since I blogged last I've gotten a new hair cut, found out one of my friends is suffering from Bell's Palsy, started dating a guy that I dated once before, and then we mutually broke up. What else?

Saw the DARK KNIGHT! OMG, it's amazing!!!!!! I will be seeing it again, most likely tomorrow. Glee! Also tomorrow, going to the late show of Mama Mia, I love payday. Not the candy bar (those are gross).

Let's see...oh, new health changes that should be shared. Don't worry, I am in perfect health. Well, not perfect, but I'm not sick. ANYWAY. I have decided to make a lifestyle change or two. For starters, my fast food restaurants now include the following (and only the following: Jimmy Johns, Subway, Arbys (cause I love the roast beef there). Period, that's it, no exceptions. I will start eating grilled or bakes chicken as opposed to fried. Going to add more fish into the mix, and less beef. Special K stuff still, cause it's quick and easy and healthy. Basically I'm cutting down on my fried food intake, things like potato chips and french fries are out. I am going to buy and eat more fruit and vegetables (the ones I like anyway) and continue to take a multi-vitamin. I will still go out and eat, and enjoy things like pizza and bacon cheeseburgers, but only once or twice a month. I am cutting down my chocolate intake as well. Trading ice cream bars for frozen fruit bars, ice cream for real fruit sorbet, and candy bars for fruit cups. Also, I'm trading in soda for water and juice. I will still be drinking tea, but cutting out kool-aid. i will also be cutting down my pasta intake, opting instead for a rice base. Not totally getting rid of my pasta, just cutting it down. And while I'm at it, I'm making my portions smaller. Changing my eating habits rather than dieting. I always said I would not be fat, and I suppose I'm not, but I'm not the size I should be either. I know that, and it's time to do something about it.

As for the actual doing stuff, I need to introduce myself to working out again, I prefer swimming and resistance weight training to running because of my knee problems, but I would like to build up to running at some point because all you need for that is a good pair of shoes. And of course I will continue to play Ultimate. I am going to a tournament this weekend, and I'm looking forward to it. JaX HaT in Jacksonville. Should be pretty sweet.

Well, I think that does it for me.

Look at the Pictures!

It's Sam! He's two...and huge!

The Life That Lives Itself

So I am writing a book, well three books. A novel, A collection of short stories, and an anthology of poetry and lyrics. But, it is the novel that I am the most exited about and that I mean to talk about in this post.

I wrote a short story about two years ago, and sent it into a writers magazine for possible publication. When the magazine sent me an e-mail telling me they were very impressed with the story, but that they would like me to expand it before the printed it. Well, to be quite frank, it scared me. It was also stated in the e-mail that should I choose to turn the story into a novel that they would assist me in it's publication. Now, that was two years ago, so I don't really expect that kind of help. Anyway, I'm sure you are wondering why the idea of expanding the story frightened me. If any of you have read my blog religiously(haha) you would have read the story. "Dream Girl", I posted it a few weeks ago in hopes of little feedback ( I was disappointed, but that is neither here nor there). The story is violent, both physically and mentally, even for me. I've always had a vivid imagination and the ideas for the details and the expansion of the story are not in short supply, but the last time I went into such detail in a violent story I was sent to talk to a school counselor. So you can see why I would hesitate. The other reason is that, me knowing I have these kind of thoughts is one thing, writing them down for millions of people to have access too, is another thing entirely. I wasn't ready for it then.

But. The idea of writing the book has never left me. And now, I have committed to it. I must say that when I sat down to write it, I didn't know what to expect. Would it all just point out at once? Would it take awhile? Are all the characters simply going to be there? Where would I write such a book? What about editing? ect, ect. And I must say that I have had no answer to these questions. The story has quite taken on a life of it's own as it develops into a novel, I am probably only about half-way through writing the first section. I say section because the book will be written and divided in the same manor as Stephen Kings "It", with titled sections and small "chapters" within. As too how may sections and chapters, well, I suppose only the writing will tell.

I rather hope to finish the book by the end of the year, and that includes editing. I'd like to get it published as soon as I can. Writing it has been a very exciting experience so far, getting to know the characters as I write them, creating a new world that won't disappear, but will instead one day be vivid in the minds of other people.
I dunno, it's an almost paralyzing thought.

If any of you, my readers would like to keep up with project, you may do so at WEbook.com, the book is called Dream Girl, and the penname is Keledae. I hope to hear more feedback, the more I hear the better I can make the book, it's amazing what you can miss when you see things only from your point, and I don't want to miss much in this.

The Strange effect of homelessness within reason

I am technically homeless. No,I'm not living in my car or a cardboard box. But I don't have an address that is mine, or a place that I live in surrounded by my things and belongings and furniture. I am living on the grace of friends. And well, I'm not happy about it. But, logically it's the only thing I can do right now. I live paycheck by paycheck and by the time I've fueled up the beast, I barely have enough to go on for the week, much less to put back or toward a rent payment. Yes, I know that it is my fault for not finding a new job, and on that front, I've decided to stay here through the summer. which was the original plan, unless of course, they cut my hours again. Which btw has been mentioned. So far, no follow through on that though. The truth is that moving to a new job in the middle of the summer is not my idea of a good time, not when I get the day off pretty much whenever I want/need it. I don't take advantage of this very often, because I don't want to lose the privilege and or the money, but it's there. Which is nice. Also I am doing an audition in august that may make me having a permanent address in good ole q-town a thing not needed ( I hope that's the case) more on that to come in August.
I don't really have much to say, although these days I have a ton on my mind. These past two months have been a dramatic whirlwind, and if I hadn't checked the dates on the calendar just this morning, I would not believe it has only been two months since everything started happening.
Various things have kept me from Ultimate for the past few weeks, and I find that to be depressing. I always miss it when I don't go, although I don't seem to be missed. Not on the field or off of it for that matter. Oh well, I guess that's the way it goes sometimes. And I suppose it's my fault really.
Anyway,

I haven't written for a while. Not like I used to. I did do some painting the other day, and that was great. I seem to be in a rut, and I'm not sure what to do about it. Maybe it's this town. I dunno, I think if the audition doesn't go the way I want it to I'll just move. Out of town, to someplace new. Someplace I can start over. Maybe even someplace on a different continent. I dunno. We'll see.

new Projects for Old ideas

I believe I shall record myself reading "IT" aloud. I don't know why, but something about that book fascinates me. I think it the genius of all the subtleties of the clown Pennywise that so many people miss. Well, they don't miss them, but they don't acknowledge them either. It's the subtleties that make Pennywise the basis of fear for so many people, child and adult alike. Those small nuances that we all see in ourselves that cause that irrational fear of an imaginary villain to plague us throughout our lives. Or maybe it's that we doubt the non-existence. Perhaps somewhere the fear is that Pennywise is REAL.

A good fear to have. Because Pennywise is real. He exists all over. He is the personification of intolerance, violence, misunderstanding, new ideas, sexual desire, hatred, anger, and unquestioned tradition. It is those things that he represents that thrive today. Unchecked almost by society. These things that we hold on to as a society. The ugly that hides behind the white picket fences and the buicks in the driveways. Racism, Abuse, Grudges that are held to long, Anger that boils inside the persecuted. That is what Pennywise represents.

All these things that we walk over, and don't talk about above a whisper. The small evils inside each of us that fly about invisible overhead. The ones that everyone sees, but nobody talks about. The secret carnal desires to kill and maim that we all harbor. Pennywise the clown, is the manifestation of all of that and more. He waits for his moment, he calculates his chances, he strikes on cue. Never misses a beat, never in quite the same way, but always with the same method. Always in the same places. The places that we walk right past, and ignore because without those places all that ugly that we hide would have no where to go when it finally gets tired of being dormant and ignored. The places that we shake our heads at, but don't tear down because we are afraid that that old, crusty clown will take of residence on our doorsteps if we tear down the not-so-secrets places that he lurks in with our permission. Our unspoken consent for his evil.

So, why a clown? Why not? The irony is that while most of the time we laugh at clowns, Pennywise laughs at us. He is colorful and tempting, we can't look away, even though we know we should. he is enticing, intoxicating, but he doesn't fool anyone. We can all see through his disguise. We can smell beneath the caramel corn and cotton candy, the rotting flesh, we can hear beneath the laughter and the sweetly lilting voice, the screams of terror and the gleeful undercurrent of evil intentions. BUt even though he doesn't fool us, he entertains us. Until he gets too close, then the fear seeps in and we run away screaming afraid of we may have been victim of, afraid also of what we may have unconsciously given him permission to do. And some of us, stare him in the face and allow him to put his putrid hands on our shoulder and usher us to our deaths, or to the deaths of someone else at our hands.

That is the real genius in Stephen Kings creation. The reality that it represents.