The Residence of Light

Tell me, does the sun reside in the sky?
For on such a day as this, it is melancholies aisle of light
that fades between the clouds of the farcical blue
It seems to be a play of sorts embraced by heinous fate
That traverses the souls terrain as though it were in disgrace
as though it were merely animal and need driven lack luster
Oh mournful sun, why do you torment the lovers of earth with your cheery light?
Can you not see that sorrow darkens the brows of those parted to oft
With such creasings and lines that even tears cannot fall
When lovers are blinded by distance rather than emotion
The light seems more like torturous reminder than blissful day
Can it truly exist when there is not but ache in the forefront of these hearts
When life depicts a comedic tragedy of hearts that cannot see it's end
Raucous acts of desperation colour it's lines and the plot is woefully undecided
Do you not feel shame, oh light, that you have deplorably decided to show your face?
Tell me, does the sun reside in the sky?
It must in earnest, for if it were resident of the Earth,
Then it could not be so cruel as to intensify the sorrow of the divided heart
It could not shine so beautifully on souls long parted, even for a little
No, it would be unreasonable to think it otherwise than that
The sun resides in the sky.

Confirmation

It's official! I won. Check out the contest #2 and enter contest #3 (especially you gus) at FirstLineFiction.com!

I think I won....

So, I entered the FirstLineFiction.com writing contest, and I'm not entirely sure, but I think I won.... (I'll post when I hear for sure) anyway, here's my entry for it.


Bridge

All the trouble began when my grandfather died and my grandmother - my father's mother - came to live with us. She had stayed with us before for things like holidays and birthdays, but never more than a weekend. She always had to be home for her Bridge game, which happened every Monday night at 6. All I really knew about Bridge was that is was a card game, that it was favored by old people, and usually meant an abundance of sugar free candy. So, naturally I never gave that card game much thought. At least, not until my grandmother moved in. My dad and my uncle brought her and all of her things (which, smelled as old as she did) to our house on f\Friday, the funeral was Saturday. She was unpacked by supper on Sunday and then They came. It was Monday evening, supper was finished and I was doing the dishes when I noticed my gradmother shuffling around the dining room, rearranging chairs at the table and setting out glass and pencils.

"Whatcha doin Grandma?" I asked, a little confused.

"Setting up for Bridge" she answered me with a slightly sarcastic smile. Like I should have know already exactly what she was doing. Then the doorbell rang. My mother answered the door in her usual warm and welcoming way, and the next thing I knew, there was another old lady in my dining room. She was wrinkled, like my grandmother, with curly white and gray hair, thick glasses, a black straight cane and an old fashioned carpet bag. She also smelled like formaldehyde.

"Uma!" my grandmother cooed at her as she three-legged limped her way around the table. "Uma, this is Jered, my grandson, isn't he handsome?" she stood next to me and waited while Uma took a good long look at me and then huffed. She sat down on the far side of the table, arranged her cane, and began to shuffle a deck of cards she had brought with her.

"He certainly is Rosie." she looked me over again 'Does he play?"
"Bridge?" I asked "Never." I have to admit I was a little shocked when Uma laughed at my response, and slightly insulted when my grandmother winked at her and laughed too. I was about to ask when the doorbell rang again. This time, the lady was slightly less wrinkled and wearing a wicker hat. No cane, she had hair that was obviously dyed blond and a strong floral scent. Uma waved heartily to her as she came in the room and sat down at the end of the table.

"Margaret!" she said "What do you think of Rosies new house? Hmmm? It comes complete with a grandson to help us out. Jered this is Margaret." she gestured from me to the blond old woman.

"Hi." I said
"Pleasure young man. Do you play?"
"No ma'am, I don't play Bridge" I blushed when they all laughed again, which only made them laugh harder. My grandmother put her hand on my shoulder and squeezed, just as the doorbell rang for a third time.

This woman, was the tiniest person I had ever seen, she couldn't have been taller than 4'5", her hair was still black and strait as a board, cut in a bob around her harsh face. She wore rimless glasses and a scowl that would scare the devil as she scooted along on her walker to the closest side of the table and lowered herself into the seat.

"Who's this?" she looked at me pointedly, and I swallowed
"I'm Jered, Rosies' grandson, and no I don't play." I said to her before she could ask.
"Pity. You should learn. Have a seat young man, and don't hold up the game." I went to the empty chair next to her and nervously sat down as my grandmother slid into her place at the head of the table.

"Go on the Uma. Deal the cards." As she said this she reached into her purse and pulled out a zip lock bag of poker chips. The other ladies each handed her a 20 dollar bill and she counted and passed out them out.

"Blind is 5 and 2" my grandmother called as Uma finished dealing.
"Pair of 8s, clubs and diamonds, and the 5 of spades on the flop" Uma announced. Margaret tapped the table twice.

"Call, and raise you a dollar." She looked at the tiny woman as she slid a chip into the center of the table.

"Alright Martha, I see your raise." and Uma turned over a fourth card on the table.

" 7 of Diamonds on the river"
"Fold" from my grandmother
"Check" from Martha and Margaret
Uma turned over a fifth card. " Jack of clubs"
She looked at Maraget. "Check" and then at Martha, who tapped the table.
The two women spread out their cards.

"Trip eights and a pair of Jacks to Martha" Uma called the hand and martha scooped the chips into her pile. I watched her for a minute while she counted and stacked, and then I looked at my grandmother.

"Teach me?" I asked. She laughed and smiled and said "Alright, sonny."

That night I learned the ins and outs of poker, the terminology, the difference between a straight and flush, the blind, the check. All of it. As the weeks went on, I continued to join their game, the only problem was that I never really got the hang of the game. I always lost, I won maybe one hand in my first three weeks of playing with my grandma and her friends. But I couldn't stop playing, I didn't have a job, so at first, I borrowed money from my grandma to play, but after awhile, that just didn't feel right. So I started to use my allowance. When that ran out, I got the money from the cigar box under my dads side of the bed. I don't think I was supposed to know about that box.

About two months after I started to use the cigar box money, my parents started fighting. I didn't know what about, it was always in their room, and never quite loud enough for me to hear clearly. But when I came home that Thursday and found the electric company had shut off our power, I started to get the idea. Money, they were arguing about money. I decided to help, I made up my mind right on the spot, that I would win the next poker night. If only it had worked that way.

That night, when my dad came home from work he was unusually silent. My mom had stayed in their room all day, but I didn't know why. I watched him walk slowly up the stairs and stop at the bedroom door. He just stared at it, then turned and went down the hall to my grandmas room. I was worried, but I didn't know what I could do, so I went for a walk.

When I came home my mom was waiting for me on the porch. She told me that my dad and grandmother had left. That they weren't coming back. She told me that my dad wanted to divorce her, and that I was old enough to know the truth about it.

" Your father found out, that I have been having an affair. I don't know how he found out about it, but he did." her voice shook as she told me. "He kept some emergency money hidden in our room, he said it was gone, and that that was how he knew he was right. I just don't understand how he found out, we never touched that money.I mean I guess I did, by spending too much because I knew he had it..." She started to cry and I did too.

A number of Poems for you to read.

Ok, I know this is a lot of poetry, and a really long post. So if you are a reader, read a few that catch your eye,or read them all, whatever strikes your fancy comments are always welcome.
---------------------------


You

Perhaps this is a bit effervescent
Perhaps I'm getting ahead of myself
Perhaps I don't even know what I'm saying
But, perhaps, you do.

Sometimes I get a little scared
Sometimes so do you
Sometimes I need a place to hide
Always, I want that to be you.

Every moment I think of us
Every moment is something new
Every moment I'm always waiting
No longer, because I have you

Knowledge is a powerful thing
Knowledge is the strength that can get us through
Knowledge like a knife can cut deep
Ignorance is enough, because you are all I need

Shakespeare said it well, Poe did too
Authors of the same line
Different points of view
I know that they were writing about you

-09/20/2009

----------------------------------
Gunslinger

Six guns blaze and slowly die
Smoldered by the fire in your eyes
I fall like the hammer that begins it all
Blackened like the powder that fill the ball

Five guns blaze and slowly die
Smothered by the sorrow in your eyes
I fail like the ones that have gone before
Emblazoned in tragedy that is not forevermore

Four guns blaze and slowly die
Soothed by the passion in your eyes
I fall like a feather to the sheets below
Beckoned by a need like I have never known

Three guns blaze and slowly die
Sickened by the fear in your eyes
I fail like a medic paralyzed by the war
Entombed in the past that is not only yours

Two guns blaze and slowly die
Strengthened by the hope in your eyes
I fall like the victim that always wants to stay
Benefited by the outcome that must win the day

One gun blazes and never dies
Secured by the love in your eyes
I fall like a lover and run no more away
Entranced by a heart full of desires sway

-09/25/2009
----------------------------------

A Mark in the Time

Times are changin
as my life flies by
and I feel inspiring
with you by my side

Times are changin
as my life crawls and tows
and I feel a little emptier
I wonder if you know

Times are changin
and I can see my dreams
funny how they come to life
how they are bursting onto the scene

Times are changin
and please, don't get me wrong
It's all lookin up
but today, I don't feel so strong

Times are changin
and people do to
I deal with the constant
and those things are few

Times are changin
and where will it lead
I don't like the feeling
of you without me

Times are changin
but some things remain the same
it takes all of my willpower
so I can refrain

Times are changin
from yellow to blue
And everything could be
the way it is with you

Times are changin
and it's just too bad
because today I feel stolen
because today I'm still glad.

-09/14/2009
----------------------------------

Communication pt 3

If we're gonna clear the air
Then listen with your ears
I don't wanna have the same argument for the next 50 years
I mean what I say
and I said what I meant
An elephants faithful 100%
But I'm not an elephant
Although I do have a trunk
I still don't care about all the extra junk
I'll leave it behind to be free and clear
I don't wanna have the same baggage for the next 50 years
Confusion is one thing
But I hate to be ignored
Is it really so hard to tell someone when you're bored
With the conversation
With them in general
This revelation is femoral
Charisma I have, I have that in spades
Charisma doesn't tell me
What you hide there in the shade
Why do you make me tremble in fear
I don't wanna have this same fright for the next 50 years
I want communication
I want a real life road
I want more than a bump
I need more than a node
If we're gonna clear the air
Then listen with your ears
I want to have new conversations for the next 50 years.

-07/30/2009
--------------------------------

Laughed Myself Back in Place

I'm finding my life
I'm back in my mind
Reminded myself that I can shine
Feeling like me again
Back home in my own skin
Never gonna leave again
Got a few things to do
More things to say
Gonna show you everything
You thought I left along the way
The words tingle
My fingers fly
No more lost in an emotional lie
The path is clear
I can feel me here
Settling in
My comfort zone
Reminded myself that I am my own
No longer looking for a sign
I know that everything I need
Is already mine
Broke the mirror just to laugh
Walking down the street
Look at me
I've got class
Don't believe in the bad
Only in the moment
Holding on to what I had
Looking for the next step
Ready for the next move
Not gonna let you throw off my groove
(beware the groove)
Only person in my skin should be me
Only reason I got lost is cause I refused to see
Ridiculocity
Found my logic waiting
Right where I left it
Picked up my own luggage
Laughed until I dropped it
It's good to be home again
Reminded myself who I was and then
Got lost in me and ended up
Right where I belong
I can feel the music
I can hear the song
It was missing for awhile
Went on vacation with my smile
But here I stand
Somewhere on the brink
Something new around the bend
Wouldn't miss a minute
I'm here until the end

-07/29/09

-----------------------------------

The Ruins

And in the valley I did walk
for a moment
the sun did shine
But then I put my umbrella up
and forced the sun to not be mine

And in the valley I did sit
for a moment
I tried to hide
But then I put my umbrella down
and still the sun would not be mine

And in the valley I did sigh
for a moment
So then I stood
But then I dropped my umbrella down
and the sun I sought in earnest

And in the valley I did run
for a moment
I forgot to breathe
But then with my umbrella gone
I found I could have no reprieve

And in the valley I did stand
for a moment
Armorless
But then I saw the ruins there
and there inside the sun did rest

And in the valley I did see
for a moment
Lost in confusion
But then I found myself again
watching the sun inside the ruin

And in the valley I did walk
for a moment
I stood at the ruins door
But then the sun did hide me
and so I wait, evermore

-07/22/09
---------------------------------

A Late Night Ramble

Got a few minutes before sleep comes
and a few thoughts in my mind
wish i could repeat them
But they are mine to find

Got a few days before you again
and a few more to sigh
wish I could delete them
But they are the reason why

Got a few minutes before sleep comes
and I'm waiting up for you
Got a few words in my mouth
but they can wait a day or two

Got a thought that lays dormant
and a reason to leave it be
wish I could revive it
but then it wouldn't be

Got a few minutes before sleep comes
and maybe more than a few
Got a few minutes before sleep comes
and I'm waiting up for you

maybe it's a song, or maybe not. It's 5:10am right now, and to be honest, I'm a bit blank. I know I'm thinking things, but I couldn't tell you what you they are, and the worst (best?) part of it is, they really aren't that far from the surface. Oh well, what can you do when your brain taunts you? It's not like you can simply refuse to be teased by your own sub-conscious mind. Or can you?


Got a few minutes before sleep comes
and the seed of a long argue
wish I could compromise the point
but maybe it's better disjointed

Got a few ideas running wild now
and they are laughing at me
wish I could corral them
but then they would cease to be

Got a few minutes before sleep comes
and I think I like the view
wish I could describe the scenery
but that's something I can't do

Got a few needs and wants to fill
and all the ability
wish I could forget them all
but they are part of me

Got a few minutes before sleep comes
and this insomnia is new
wish I could cure this sickness
but it's cause is not new

Maybe we just need to take a minute. And look around at the things we are surrounded by. The people, the belongings, the verbs and adverbs. Sometimes I can't help but wonder why I'm still here, in the good ole U.S. of A. There is sooo much more out there for me to experience. There is soooo much waiting for you.

Got a few minutes before sleep comes
and my brain is running on fumes
wish I could refill my tank
but these words are becoming few

Got a few letters to make words with
and my fingers fly to the beat
wish I could drown out your voice
but the sound is just too sweet

Got a few minutes before sleep comes
and before I bid you adieu
wish I could give in
but I need to stand up to you

Got a few things to learn in myself
and all the lessons are lies
wish I could find the truth in them
but it hides in hypnotic lullabies

Got a few minutes before sleep comes
and why am I still here
wish I could answer all your questions
but you are deafened by your fear

Maybe we don't realize the powers we possess. Fear is the ultimate weapon. If you can wield fear, you are destined for success. Sad part of that is , is that those who use fear for personal gain, usually wind up hating themselves. Interesting how that works out. Don't you agree?

Got a few minutes before sleep comes
and I'm waiting up for you
wish I could close my eyes
but I'm not ready too

-07/15/2009

-------------------------------

Hide and Seek

I'm hoping this isn't a fleeting moment
Just another lie or dream
I'm hoping beyond anything
That this is everything it seems

I'm sighing inside at the moment
Dealing with things unspoken
I'm waiting for something intangible
And yearning to be deeply woken

So much turmoil and change these days
It seems I might have forgotten
That I more than I give myself credit for
I am more than once dark, rotten

I need something I can't describe
to pull me back together
And looking out at this horizon
There are storms yet to be weathered

Sometimes I can't articulate
but right now, I just don't want to
The only thing I long to have
Is what I cannot do

Or is that just a runaway thought
A piece of self doubt that survived
I know somewhere I have the strength
I'll succeed if I just try

I don't know how to say
the things that are on my mind
And no matter what thoughts I shield me with
For some reason I can't hide

Not even from me

Can you tell me what it means
Does anyone know why
I'm holding back from giving in
But somehow I'm sure

I'm fighting the last of the losing battles
Pulling ahead in my personal war
The final fear is slipping beyond
How forlornly it prattles

To be left behind is a hard thing
But sometimes, it's something we must do
I did it, not too long ago
You may need to do it too

I'm trembling from the inside out
these emotions rock my steady
But even though they waver me
I know deep inside I'm ready


I don't know how to say
the things that are on my mind
And no matter what thoughts I shield me with
For some reason I can't hide

-07/06/09
-----------------------------

At a Loss

I don't know what to do here
All I want is to help
to make things better
But I think I made them worse

I wish you would talk to me
I don't understand why you won't
Its like
you pulled the rug from under my feet

and now
now
I can't stand up again

If I can't stand up
how can I help you
and how can I help you
when it's you I need
to stand

-05/04/09
---------------------------------------

Mirror

Where is it?
and why is it gone?
how long have you known
how long have you grieved?

Who is she?
and why can't you let go?
how long will you hold on
how long will you suffer?

She isn't coming back.
even if she did
she wouldn't be who you wanted
she would be different

Could you live with that?

I don't want to fight her
after all it's dead
So, why are you forcing me to?
why can't it be over for you?

I don't understand
this need to obsess
pick yourself up
move out of this mess

Don't you want to be free?

No. You don't
her cage is where you want to be.
Trapped forever in memory
bitter, isn't it

The prison you choose
is your hellish haven
heaven.
Death has no sway

She doesn't keep you there
it's you
you've forced yourself to stay
can't you tell me why?

What's the point
of having me around?
When all you love
is trapped below

Can you imagine what we too could grow to be?

All hope is lost in your despair
and there is no grave to mark her there
Perhaps by giving humanity
it becomes entity

Won't you tell me what it is?
Is she truly what lives in it?
Show me that she's real
release it, heal.

Where is it?
And why is she gone?
How long will you let this go on?
How long will you grieve of this?

Perhaps they were right
and all they say is true
and I should simply walk away from you

But for me this cage is just as strong
As the one you have cowered in for so long.

And here at last I see the it
finally it's her I've met

I understand that it's not over yet
But I will no longer be held in sway

My sanity has broken through
all that's left are mirrors of you


-04/19/09
-----------------------------------------

Steady

I need your voice to hold me steady
My state of mind is nightmare ready
and as I drift
afraid to dream
I cling to you
what does it mean?

On the wind I hear their wings
Keeping time as they softly sing
and as I listen
scared to sleep
I cling to you
and then I weep.

Through the dark he sounds his call
Sweetly cooing, come one come all
and as I walk
afraid to stay
I cling to you
what do you say?

I need your voice to hold me steady
My state of mind is nightmare ready
and as I lie
scared to tell
I cling to you
and all is well.

-04/16/2009

-----------------------------------------------

Salt

every drop cuts my skin
things unspoken
realizations
cruelly sink in

they sting like salt

I guess I should have known
it's been too long
and we aren't well, us
but

I never thought I'd lose you
guess I was a fool
because this hurts
it's deep and it's true

-04/11/09

-----------------------------------------

What it's Like to Melt

I feel like a wilting flower
the power to renew is gone
it teases me with thunderclaps
and flashes before my eyes
laughing at my weary soul

The stress builds in chords
dissonance and harmony
It screeches in my ear drums
and burns in the veins
taunting me with it's very presence

Today drags by like silk on Velcro
never ending, it prickles
I need a release, and maybe help
I can feel my rawness on my very skin
I'm ready to snap, that's the mood I'm in

-03/28/09
-----------------------------------------------------


Glass

Tonight you are the glass
refired
You are the thoughts
uncovered
You are the reason
Defined
Tonight You are
Mine?

Tonight you are the call
Undenied
You are the need
intensified
You are the song
rewritten
Tonight are You
Mine?

Tonight You are the air
I'm breathing
Tonight You are the one
I'm seeing
Tonight You are the web
I'm weaving
Tonight You are the wish
I'm making

Tomorrow is uncertain
but tonight is You
I've never touched You
But You've sent my nerves tingling
I've never heard Your voice
but Your words are my minds delight
and even if we never have forever
I have loved tonight

-03/25/09
----------------------------------------

If I Could

If I could do anything I wanted today
I'd lie in bed with you
I'd take in your scent, and the feel of your body next to mine
I'd memorize your breathing
I'd trace every line
that adorns your face
I'd thank God for the moments
I'd pray that it lasts forever

If I could be anything I wanted today
I'd be enough for you
I'd be the exception to your rule
I'd be the twinkle in your eye
I'd be myself in your arms
I'd do my best to make you happy
and I'd hold you close
I'd be the reason for your smile

If I could, I would.
And if I could have you today
Even if just for one day
It would make everything perfect
I'd always want more
But I'd be thankful for what I got
I'd never forget a moment
If I could have anything I wanted today
I'd only want you.

-02/19/2009 (my 24th birthday)
---------------------------------------------

You Are My Something

There's something about you
the way you smile
how you always make me laugh
and I just can't shake it
I can't let it go
This feeling I have that I was meant for you
I
Was
Meant
For
You
And there's something about that
that certainty of feeling
That makes me a little bit strange
and gives me chills at night
And I can't let it go
I just wanted to say it out lout
I
Was
Meant
For
You
There's just something about you
that screams home to me
Something intangible
That pierces through me everywhere
And I can't let it go
Not when the only thing I'm certain I know is that
I
Was
Meant
For
You
I was meant for you
and there's just something about that
something about you
you
meant for you
me
I was
meant
for you
you are my something

-01/02/2009

A feeling I hate

Grrrr. I love my boyfriend. I love everything he says and does, I love the way he makes me feel, I love everything about him. I hate the fact that I can't seem to make my jealous streak shut up every time this one girl talks to him in any medium. I hate the way I get angry, and that it gets to me. I know he loves me, I am not worried about any type of infidelity or unfaithfulness. I just can't stop myself from wanting to hit things every time she pops up with a comment or a text. They never even dated, and she is the only girl that makes me bristle this way. I hate it. What do I do? How do I make myself not be this way about her?

The Discarded Letter

preface: I wrote this a few years ago as an exercise for a writing class, it's designed to make you think, ask questions and then answer them yourself, kind of like a prompt. Feel free to post your ideas in comments if you want, that could be interesting....


On a wet day in April, on a seldom used road; a dog limped by a discarded letter. This letter would remain unread, dear reader, except that it’s words were mine. And it was by simple chance, or maybe fate, that my rambling survived the spring storm. But survive they did and that plagues my soul, for that letter should never have been. I t details a day in my life that I am still not sure truly happened ( although the truth is not so important in this tale) You see on that day I met myself, through her, although I am convinced that she resides not in this world, but only in my head. Still, she gave me back myself. Whoever she is or is not, and it was for her that I wrote the discarded letter that is the catalyst for my story. I wanted to remember her in a tangible way. You see she was not my lover, she was not my friend, she never spoke to me, but instead, she showed me things. Things that I have never gotten over, things that sent me to this darkened road. I will never be the same again. I’m sorry dear reader, but I have to leave you now. They come to attend me, they rattle keys in my lock, and soon I will be gone, the currents will bring her back again, I long for the day that she chooses not to leave. The day when this dank hell will end.

Survival

Ah the days that roll on by
and the shadows on my wall
They bleed together in watchful sorrow
because I am without you and alone
To survive for me is not enough
because I long to live
and now that you have found me
you are the life that gives
But here I sit without you
enduring the cruel joke
And there you are without me too
unable even to see
Ah the night rolls through my window
and the shadows now complete
leave me to my thoughts alone
a vexing place to be
To write you as I have tried
in lines and letters of words
is simply to much to attempt
for you are more than u
I hear your voice and am content
until I open my lashes
and am assaulted by the void
of the lacking space beside me
The phantom arms that hold me close
each and every night
are not as strong as the counterpart
that reality amiably binds
in miles and hours and highway lengths
and empty pockets that find
a bit of octane fuels the heart
much more than it fuels the drive
Ah the suns rolls above the clouds
and the shadows release to play
and I alone with myself wake to find
I have survived another day