3 years to the day

so, I've been a little moody today. A little morose, a little grumpy. I could blame it on lack of sleep, or my fast food job, or the fact that I have no idea when I will be able to see the people I want. But if I was going to be honest, I'd have to say that today, well, it's all just getting to me.

For those of you that don't know what I'm talking about, 3 years ago I gave birth to baby boy who I gave up for adoption to my aunt and uncle. It's a long story but if you don't know the details, then you probably don't need to know them. For the past two years I've been ok, no big emotional roller coaster, no real emptiness, nothing really out of the ordinary. just another 4th of July. But something about this year is just different.

Maybe it's living with my mom, and taking care of her while she recovers from her surgery. Maybe it's knowing people who enjoy taking care of their siblings or children and helping them. Maybe it's being away from the people who have always been my strongest line of defense against all things depressing and who were there with me from the beginning of all of it. Whatever it is that makes this year different, this year I'm sad. This year I don't want to be alone, this year I want to be held, this year I want to cry. But don't worry, I won't.